shedding the fear of independence

Being the youngest of three and the only girl in my family, I have been accustomed to being dependent on others. Even with my friends, I have always greatly appreciated taking on the "role" of someone to be cared for. I have relished in the youngest sibling prototype for far too long, and I have recently done much thought on being my own caretaker. Though I have encountered countless opportunities towards being independent (college first then the cruise) It hasn't really hit me in totality until now.

Moving here to Portland has shown me that I really am capable of doing things on my own. I have gained incredible confidence that I did not have before..... all that I am grateful for.

But something has been on my mind lately:

The fine line between being independent but also being part of a strong community.

We are people who need other people. And sharing your gifts and skills with others along with receiving their generosity does not make you solely dependent on them. Everyone has something to offer, and that is where the search for your own independence plays such a huge role. If we know ourselves to be a true guide and confidence shines through us, we can indeed lead others. We can help each other grow.

The way I was living my life previously was causing others to feel responsible for me. Perhaps that had to do with how I treated them (they were my only guides). However, through much contemplation, I have realized that I am my greatest teacher. I have the answers, and I am very confident that I can do anything. Now, I rest in knowing that I have so much to offer in a community because I am whole. I am not a weak being who needs others to care for me, instead, I am a part of a collection of whole people who can give and take when we need it most. Instead of relying on others and pulling from their energy, I replenish their hospitality by giving my strength (perhaps at another time) when I am radiating with it.

In college, I took a course in Trul Kor Yoga, which is an ancient form of yoga from Tibet. These yogis were incredible, and could conquer any fear mainly because they knew it was all a state of mind. That class was merely an introduction for me into independence because our teacher constantly reminded us that we are all going to be alright. The fear of graduation plagued all of us.... but for me, it was the fear of independence and being on my own. She shared her glorious life stories with us each class, and now looking back, I can really see what she means. I am an independent woman, who is fearless and strong. I can do anything when I trust that the magic will happen. And the comfort of community is bigger than just depending on others, it is knowing that you contribute just as much to their lives.

patience is a virtue

with all the life experience I have been blessed with, this is by far the most challenging. It is the challenge of resting in the great unknown.

I am not sure what life has in store for me. Only that I have great love and passion for music. When I sing, I can feel my whole being radiate with joy. It is almost as if I am being taken to another world completely. I know other artists feel similarly. It's as if I am tapping into the greatest secret of all time, ridding myself of this illusion for a brief moment. All my worries disappear, because they never really existed in the first place.

This time period of my life has been transformative and fluid. I have spent many hours, by grace alone, in solitude. I have listened to my gut. I have practiced peace. I have pushed away the greatest doubts I have ever known. But all of this has taken tremendous patience. Patience I prayed for. And instead of automatically becoming patient, I was given time to wait.

I used to be the biggest stress ball. I couldn't control my reactions to the simplest hiccups in life. I needed to chill, to say the least. And Yoga has done wonders for my inner peace. But even more so, I have handed over my trust to the unfolding universe.

It is so easy to get so caught up in the every day annoyances and worry about the future. So, to the best of my ability, right now on this crazy unknown journey I have set upon, I release myself into the greatest adventure I have known yet.

I am loved by love itself

On the subject of love.

Hafiz says in The Gift something like this (forgive my paraphrasing)" One cannot master love, one can only serve as a vessel (a glass of wine)"

I adore how he uses that imagery of the glass of wine. The wine; being aged to perfection, is the love that we realize has been overflowing after years of experience. The wine glass; being our vessel that love can freely flow through.

We cannot try to attain love. It is not something that you can perfect. It is just there. It is available all of the time. We must be open to love flowing through us in order to experience it though. This is a choice.

Many people have an idealized picture of how love is "supposed to be". I know I still do in some ways. We have made love into an item, versus something that is inately a part of being human. It is our nature to love. Even in those humans where love is expressed in terms of fear. We are all love. Period.

I feel so blessed to have realized that love is not something I can gain or own. It is something that is a part of me. Everything in my life has stemmed from my connection to love. My music, my energy, my joy, and even my insecurities. For in those tough times that I am filling that void of love with something else, it is still a part of love. It is only disguised and masked by this illusion.

 Love is all there is, and we are an expression of love.

As I went down in the river to pray....

This weekend was one to write about.

 I followed my hearts longing, and I went to commune with nature, and a beloved friend and mentor Jo- Ellen. I found my way down the 5 freeway through the lush land of southern Oregon into an oasis located on a creek and river. This was paradise.

When I arrived at their piece of heaven on earth, I closely held my dear friend who I hadn't seen in years...knowing that true human connection heals all wounds. I found myself taken back by the serenity of this land and the wisdom of Jo Ellen. After releasing my weighted baggage by laughing through life, I found clarity and simplicity.

Jo- Ellen let me read this magnificent book called "Epiphany" by Elise Ballard, that highlights the greatest transitions in people's lives. One woman shared her story of finding her connection with God, and realizing how dramatic she had made her own life. She attracted all of these huge "problems" in her life in order to make room for the life she really wanted. She also realized she couldn't help anyone until she focused on her own peace and serenity. It was touching, and so accurate.When your mind is so pre-occupied with the chaos in life, you can't help anyone, including yourself.

Sometimes life hands you lemons, and like they say......

but what you do with those sticky situations is truly the beauty of life. They are opportunities to grow and connect to your true path.

And as I spent my weekend belly laughing, crying and being quiet and still, I realized....nothing is as big of a deal as it seems, and all you can do is strive for clarity and wisdom and let your troubles wash away with the flowing river.

Thank you Jo-Ellen, again, you have reminded me that LOVE is all there is.

Mirror, Mirror

As I stared into the reflection of my own eyes this morning during Bikram, I realized something very interesting about a human reflection.

How many times have I looked into a mirror, and yet have never really seen that it was me standing there?

How many years of judgment have I passed on the body that I live in?

Is my reflection really what the world sees?

So many questions flooded through my thoughts.

Gosh, I have spent so many years looking in to mirrors. I have seen myself get dressed up like I was royalty, and so groggy and pale faced in the mornings. I have seen the best and worst looks I have ever sported, staring back at me. And every time I looked in to my reflection has been so filled with my past and filled with either anger or approval or some sort of judgmental reaction.

 I know I am not alone in this. Body image and appearance ideas flood our mental environment every day. Whether it be on the front of a gossip magazine, where celebrities are tortured for their 5 extra pounds and natural cellulite, or as simple as your good friend complementing your curves saying , "oh, that is a very flattering cut on you". Both good and bad thoughts come to mind when I think of body image.

Being an entertainer, body image has been one of the greatest challenges I have had to face. I have been scrutinized many a time for my curves, and it has been something that has always bothered me. But the truth is, I never was that dissatisfied with my figure. It was always the eye of the world telling me to be thinner and more body conscious. So, I aimed to please every one except myself in this society  in order to fit into the ideal image.

But that proved to never work. I couldn't change my body because my mind and soul had proven to be content. I love my knobby knees, pink skin tone, slightly small lips, turned in pigeon-toed feet, my tiny ear lobes and carny hands. I could list a million funny things about this body that I reside in. But all of them are perfect.

Today I realized something magnificent. Every body in that yoga studio was different. Behind me, stood a strong, muscular man without an inch of body fat. Next to him, was a mousy brown haired 20- something female with a boyish figure. On the other side of the room, was a woman in her later years, sporting the scars of a well experienced mother. All of these bodies were unique. Each one of them spectacular. And that is the glorious thing about bodies. Even if we strive to look like someone else, we never will. Because we were all made as different and beautiful as each snowflake and rose petal. There is no one on this earth that is exactly the same.

I never want to feel bad about my image ever again. I only want to be healthy, and strive to eat the best fuel for this body, so that I may do yoga and ride my bike until I die.

Remember too, that all of you are richly blessed with your bodies. Never compare yourself to another human being. You are actually perfect.

Being

We are human BEING's. That means, we must just be. It's easier said than done, isn't it? Myself included, we all reach for something beyond the moment, and rarely let things flow within us. I continually find myself mulling over the past and concentrating on the future. How often do we hone in to the present? For me, not nearly enough time in my life is dedicated to the now.

It's funny how we can spend so much of our lives wishing for more this, more that.....and crying out....why me? Why don't I have more love in my life? Why does my job suck? Why am I not stable in anything? It's all a cry out to the universe that we really don't have those things. When you present a lack, it's very true, we create a lack. But if for just one moment, we cultivated all of our energy in to the present, we would see a tremendous shift in our outlooks. The more we focus in on the now, the more we align ourselves with the heartbeat of the world. And the more abundance is created.

I am not always as chipper as some people think. But I do strive to create goodness and happiness in my life. Now, this doesn't mean that I don't become sad or heart broken at times, instead, I enjoy the emotions flowing through me. For all emotions are beautiful. It is part of this colorful world that we live in. When I am too focused on the past or future, I cannot enjoy the harmonies placed into my heart at this moment. When I allow the world to flow through me, versus trying controlling the outcome, Life is a symphony of all notes coming together perfectly. It is transformative. The sheer joy of being comes out to play.

I am trying this new meditation called "A Course In Miracles". It is free online, but you can buy the book as well. It is really a daily affirmation to live in the moment without judgment. Already I can see how my mind is not as trained as I thought. It's funny, I saw the name of the book written down as a reminder for me to read it in my calendar, but I honestly cannot remember when I wrote that down, or even who told me about it. It must have just come to me right in time. Right in the now.

Might I suggest, listening to an actual symphony- see how this changes your now.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qH13hpBgDI

Also, here is the link to a course in miracles-

www.acourseinmiracles.com

Dear Diary....

“Keeping a journal has taught me that there is not so much new in your life as you sometimes think. When you re-read your journal you find out that your latest discovery is something you already found out five years ago. Still, it is true that one penetrates deeper and deeper into the same ideas and the same experiences.”---- Thomas Merton

I read this quote and it really resonated with me. I have been keeping a journal since the day after graduating college. Before that, I dabbled in some silly entries, doing the normal pre-teen “Dear diary, today I like this boy, but does he like me?” yadyadayada. But it wasn’t until my mother gave me the most beautifully embroidered journal for graduation that I really thought I would give this journaling thing a try. 

Journaling is more than just a notebook of daily events. To me, it is a stream of consciousness. A place to let go of every thought I have ever had and see it in a tangible form. If I see it on paper, I can really understand my thoughts. Instead of letting my feelings fester in my gut, they are released on paper. My journal is truly a sacred space for me to grapple with the noisy confusion of life. It is a conversation, to say the least. 

I find it so clever how the great trappist monk Thomas Merton explained how our lives go in circles. It’s so true. I look back on my first journal, and I see the same issues I am facing now. However, now, with the growth of my spirituality, my entries come from a place of understanding versus sheer frustration. I can see old habits trying to formulate again and take over. However, this time I can see the growth in myself and have mastered some control over my thoughts. It’s really magical. 

I also have seen some incredible things happen because of the immense thought and prayer I have put in to them. I will have written on a complicated topic in my journal, then see my prayers literally answered in such a beautiful way. My journal is the story of my life unfolding. I used to think my life was somewhat boring, until I saw my life on paper, realized and remembered. I feel blessed in so many ways that I can write down my thoughts and see them unfold into a life story. 

To be quite honest, those of you who have known me for a long period of time, know that I used to hate reading, and writing wasn’t my strong point. I still don’t consider myself a prolific writer, I just say what I feel is all. However, now I love to write. It’s mostly because of my journal. I don’t feel like I am writing to impress, rather to jump on the bandwagon of human connection. The more I say how I feel, the likeliness is that others are feeling it as well, or I allow myself to discover some new facets in this life I have been given. I am merely a vessel in this world. And all of you, my brothers and sisters. 

Journaling has been around for many many years. It is so sacred, if you allow it to be. If you haven’t started journaling, perhaps it’s not your thing, or perhaps you have never tried it. I recommend starting a journal for the sake of digging in to your deepest thoughts. Though it may be kind of scary at first, the discoveries are quite powerful.