shedding the fear of independence

Being the youngest of three and the only girl in my family, I have been accustomed to being dependent on others. Even with my friends, I have always greatly appreciated taking on the "role" of someone to be cared for. I have relished in the youngest sibling prototype for far too long, and I have recently done much thought on being my own caretaker. Though I have encountered countless opportunities towards being independent (college first then the cruise) It hasn't really hit me in totality until now.

Moving here to Portland has shown me that I really am capable of doing things on my own. I have gained incredible confidence that I did not have before..... all that I am grateful for.

But something has been on my mind lately:

The fine line between being independent but also being part of a strong community.

We are people who need other people. And sharing your gifts and skills with others along with receiving their generosity does not make you solely dependent on them. Everyone has something to offer, and that is where the search for your own independence plays such a huge role. If we know ourselves to be a true guide and confidence shines through us, we can indeed lead others. We can help each other grow.

The way I was living my life previously was causing others to feel responsible for me. Perhaps that had to do with how I treated them (they were my only guides). However, through much contemplation, I have realized that I am my greatest teacher. I have the answers, and I am very confident that I can do anything. Now, I rest in knowing that I have so much to offer in a community because I am whole. I am not a weak being who needs others to care for me, instead, I am a part of a collection of whole people who can give and take when we need it most. Instead of relying on others and pulling from their energy, I replenish their hospitality by giving my strength (perhaps at another time) when I am radiating with it.

In college, I took a course in Trul Kor Yoga, which is an ancient form of yoga from Tibet. These yogis were incredible, and could conquer any fear mainly because they knew it was all a state of mind. That class was merely an introduction for me into independence because our teacher constantly reminded us that we are all going to be alright. The fear of graduation plagued all of us.... but for me, it was the fear of independence and being on my own. She shared her glorious life stories with us each class, and now looking back, I can really see what she means. I am an independent woman, who is fearless and strong. I can do anything when I trust that the magic will happen. And the comfort of community is bigger than just depending on others, it is knowing that you contribute just as much to their lives.

patience is a virtue

with all the life experience I have been blessed with, this is by far the most challenging. It is the challenge of resting in the great unknown.

I am not sure what life has in store for me. Only that I have great love and passion for music. When I sing, I can feel my whole being radiate with joy. It is almost as if I am being taken to another world completely. I know other artists feel similarly. It's as if I am tapping into the greatest secret of all time, ridding myself of this illusion for a brief moment. All my worries disappear, because they never really existed in the first place.

This time period of my life has been transformative and fluid. I have spent many hours, by grace alone, in solitude. I have listened to my gut. I have practiced peace. I have pushed away the greatest doubts I have ever known. But all of this has taken tremendous patience. Patience I prayed for. And instead of automatically becoming patient, I was given time to wait.

I used to be the biggest stress ball. I couldn't control my reactions to the simplest hiccups in life. I needed to chill, to say the least. And Yoga has done wonders for my inner peace. But even more so, I have handed over my trust to the unfolding universe.

It is so easy to get so caught up in the every day annoyances and worry about the future. So, to the best of my ability, right now on this crazy unknown journey I have set upon, I release myself into the greatest adventure I have known yet.