Christmas Presence

       I feel so over-stimulated during this season of the holidays. There are so many places to go, so many people to see and so much of an unspoken nagging to spend. In most ways, this season represents the corporate showdown  of who can "out do" who and the huge pressure to keep up with all of that. But what people are truly missing is that the holidays were never meant to loom over us and haunt our checkbooks. No. They were cultivated to take time for family and loved ones and truly gaze upon the simple pleasure of our lives with great appreciation.
      Last night, after a gratifying yoga practice, I took a leisurely walk to my neighborhood food co-op. For the first time, after living here for several months, I noticed how colorful the grocery store was. There are beautiful lights and intricate artwork gracing the walls everywhere. I asked the cashier "have those colorful lamps above the produce always been there?"He kindly answered, "they've been here longer than I have even worked here...which has been a few years." I recognized even as I walked home, that I was seeing this neighborhood with new eyes. I was truly present to my surroundings. I was awakened in the moment and I want all of my life to be as such.
    What I want this year, during this energetic season, is to be graced with Christmas presence. haha I know the homonym is cheesy, but I really mean this. I am amazed at how much I can tend to miss during these precious times, when the world is called to celebrate. And even though I feel so much intensity from the overbearing consumerism we have here in America, I want to be acutely aware of my simple surroundings. I want to be awake in the moment. I want that for everyone. Presence really may be the best gift we could possibly ever receive. Merry holidays everyone.

Tuned with love

"The heart is the thousand stringed instrument that can only be tuned with love"- Hafiz

I am on week 5 of my Yoga teacher training. Let me tell ya, it's been incredibly expansive. I am so fortunate to have the opportunity to fully engage in "self"study. When you look into your own mind, you find the wonders of being.

This past weekend, we had a guest teacher from California come to talk to us about the miraculous nature of Ayurveda healing. I was amazed at her conviction and also her sincere passion for teaching. She was incredibly patient, giving space and time to each of us as we asked all of our burning questions.

She shared a wonderfully inspiring and beautiful story with us as we delved into the nature of being human. She told us all that it has been proven scientifically that in a symphony of violins, if a few of them are out of tune, the frequency of the violins that are IN tune will pull the ones OUT of tune back IN to tune. It is as if the whole orchestra has the power to influence those few out of tune violins. It can also have the opposite effect if many are out of tune.

Of course, I could feel this story reach me in a very profound way. I wondered, If I tune my self with love and continue to shine at my brightest capacity, perhaps the hearts that are OUT of tune with the flow of life will begin to be IN tune to the whole. If we all participate in this tuning of self, there will be a contagious flow of love.

Let's begin to tune ourselves very carefully, and just watch as others begin to unfold into that divine love as well.

birthday wish

I usually write a short thank you for the birthday wishes that everyone sends me on facebook as a short status. This usually suffices, and I always sincerely mean it. This year feels different for me. This year has had a different energy, and I know I am not alone on this journey. Many people from all stages of my path have been having incredible discoveries and have been seeking in ways that they can’t fully comprehend. This year, from my experience, has changed me. I am still a goofy and passionate girl, but my perspective on what matters and what doesn’t has fully switched. Some people believe it is from my moving to the Pacific North West, but I feel that this change has always been here in me, it was just waiting to awaken. 

My reason for elaborating on my birthday is that this change has made me feel dissatisfied with the celebrating of birthdays. I know it is a gift to be alive, and I honor the changing of our bodies in this world. However, the love that we give to people on their birthdays does not just have to be on that one day.

I was thinking about the simple hello, the sweet gestures, the kind smiles that exist on even the most mundane of days. There is a level of appreciation that someone gets on their “one” day. There is a level of entitlement we all seek in having this day be celebrated. And with that comes an expectation for the day, which brings about an even greater disappointment if things don’t go the way you wished on your “one” special day. What I discovered upon waking is an expectation for the day that will not be fulfilled. Not in a negative way, but in a way of contentment. 

I deeply love all of you, because I feel the oneness that is in all of us combined. The sweet letters and posts that you put on my facebook have been received and I am beyond grateful for them. I have one request though, for my birthday, I want the same love and thoughtfulness that came into your heart when you said happy birthday to me to extend out to anyone that comes into your life today. Whether it be someone you think of, someone you run into, or someone you spend every day with. It could be anyone. It could be the mail man, the convenience store worker, or even someone you have never met. I know this kindness, thoughtfulness and gratitude is available all of the time, and on days like these, when I am receiving such beautiful and sweet hellos, It gives me hope. Let’s make use out of this crazy social media that we have access too. Let’s use it to cultivate even more love and even more humanity. I am grateful for your thoughts on a day when I turn 24. But I know, more so now than ever, that our capabilities to love each other reach far beyond the recognition of someone's birthday. Happy day to all of you. 

the calling to create

One of the most valuable traits about Portland is that it flourishes with creative people. The land in itself is lush and rich which brings about a divine calling to create. I have been incredibly blessed in my surroundings here. I have been writing and contemplating more so than ever, and I look forward to creating a small EP (we won recording time) with some very talented and hearty friends of mine. I am so blessed to have resources and collaborators such as the people in my band Wildish at the moment. With an upright bass, a viola and drums, this music has become something I look forward to give to the world. Each of them have richly blessed this music with their lives and stories and it brings me such joy. This music is so much bigger than me, and even bigger than all of us. I don't feel the pressure and the potential rejection of creating alone, instead, I feel the fluidity of the passion that resides in all of us.   Recently, a jovial fiddle player/ singer moved her trailer into my back yard and began to incorporate some of her spirit into my music as well. It is wonderful to feel someone's energy and soul move through the music with me. Passion is evident and it is contagious.

I am learning so much right now about music and collaboration as well as the inner most capabilities of my mind. In the yoga teacher training I am in, I have been able to release into a sincere passion of mine of spirituality. In this training of my mind, I have begun to realize that music to me IS spirituality in form. Anything that fully engages you in your fullest way is a devotion to something greater than yourself.  I am detoxing, to say the least, from the outside in. I can feel my body getting stronger, my mind quieting and my spirit soaring. I never expected this time in Portland to be what it has been for me thus far. But I can say, with all of my heart, that I knew if I followed my gut and listened to the quiet voice inside, I would be where I needed to be. And right now, I am in Portland.

Time to rest

    I have been searching, as many of you have come to know, for something far deeper than surface level "reality". I want truth, beauty and light to be the center of my life, and in discovering that, I desire that my search may allow others to join me.
   
      I was perusing once again through media on youtube, listening to sastang....(which is a sanskrit word for a meeting in the highest truth). Often times the satsang is with a guru, and sometimes it is merely a meeting of people who desire to look past the obvious life answers. From watching all of these enlightened people talk about their views of life, I have realized that to want is an enormous gift. Wanting creates questions in us. It allows us to search deeper and really delve into our lives in what we "think" we have a lack in.
   
     For me, I have been longing to discover love. But the truth is, I do not need to search. The want that we have inside of us is a personal tool we can use to realize that what we want is not what we LACK, but what we have an ABUNDANCE of. We have an abundance of love. We have an abundance of freedom. We have an abundance of peace etc.
 
     So, what in your life are you seeking? Whether it be love, peace, freedom.... You already are there. You have never left, you have only imagined yourself leaving that goodness. As I have come to learn... thus far on this amazing journey...it's time to rest. It's time to discover that I am the source. I want what I am already.

Words

One of my friends yesterday shot me a text with the profound thought "the road to intimacy is saying more with few words".- Joni Renee

I am not a woman of few words. I know that, and many of you know that as well. I say every thought, every emotion, every passing feeling out loud. I have learned to be more cautious about who I share my heart with, for not everyone is willing or wishes to hear my truth all the time.

This thought really resonated with me. Words are so easily interpreted the wrong way. In this day and age, we text when we should talk, and talk when we should see eyes. It can always be taken according to how the person receiving the words feels at the moment.

I have come to learn some truths about words in my life thus far. They are incredible pointers, but they are just the map. And sometimes saying less and allowing yourself feel the moment is far more powerful. Our gut feelings are the best indicators on how to follow your true path. Words can only take you so far. Let intuition take you the rest of the way :)

Journey on

A dear friend of mine reminded me yesterday that it is the journey that counts....not just the destination. The journey is the most fulfilling part in this life, if you allow it to be.

She used the profound analogy of going on a vacation.

When you get ready for a vacation, you plan, you pack, you journey there, you have the vacation, go home, and then unpack. But the trip is not only the destination. It begins even with the thought and the desire to go. The entire process of the journey is what makes it so beautiful and thrilling.

I let this resonate and sit with me for a while, and I have really found this to be true. It's not the destination that matters, because even when you get to the place that you desired, you can often find  another amazing road map that leads you to yet another treasure.

I also listened to an interview by the great mandolin artist ( Chris Thile)  and he pointed towards following music because it is a wonderful journey, not because it is a goal oriented profession. It is not something that you can have a goal in, you can only be alive, alert and attentive in each new moment. That is why it is so exciting.

I am in the most wonderful city, experiencing music all of the time, and I am totally ready for whatever glorious opportunities come my way. But again, the only "goal" of mine is to live and love this insanely wonderful ride.

I guess in some ways,  I am still working on letting go of my hold on specific moments. But it is all part of the process and I am grateful for each new and surprising moment. I can only account for how I feel now. It has been proven to me that when I surrender into the journey and experience the now, life is so much fuller and richer. I don't have to try to control everything.......I just have to BE.

The Rain

In this current climate of the world we live in, many discussions have come up about the main "issues" taking hold now. With the election coming up, it seems more often than not, people ask the age old question, "who are you voting for?"

While all of this is important to inform yourself about, I have come to realize that most people feel helpless. Most of us feel like the world is not changeable and even the so-called good people running for president had to lie to us to manipulate us into thinking that we can change for the better.

It seems like an uphill climb, doesn't it? It seems like this world that we live in is constantly cheating us of our natural human being rights in order to maintain something that isn't even real. Money.

Money was originally sacred. It really was. People used money in a gift setting. As in; I did something for the whole, and I am able to maintain a gift from doing this. It was not about greed and hoarding. Everyone had something to give and in that everyone was taken care of. Of course, in this size of economy, money had to be taken to a new level. It's just that we are so overwhelmed by it, we have forgotten that it is not life itself. It is powerful, indeed, but only as powerful as you make it.

I had a moment of frustration that sparked this feeling inside of me today. I was being called about a bill, and in that moment, I forgot everything that makes life beautiful and focused on the sincere anger and frustration that I as feeling. I felt trapped by seeing only this emotion, and not the entire picture. I don't believe that this world is meant to be content with the conditions that are now. We have so many ego driven goals that we have forgotten that we are mammals. We are HUMAN! Why have we complicated things to such a degree that we no longer have access to being free, even if we tried. There are so many rules and regulations on even the most natural things. My friend Bryson mentioned that we work tirelessly each day to maintain resources that are part of this earth...that are part of us. Food and shelter are provided for us, without money, however, we can't seem to work enough. We cant seem to get enough of what doesn't satisfy.

I thought of the world condition today, and in that came a beautiful analogy.

Rain can be a negative experience for some people. It can seasonally depress you, or make you uncomfortable..... you name it. For some it is beautiful and relaxing. No matter what our views of the rain, it is only temporary. It comes and it goes and it gives life.

In the "rainy season" that we live in right now, there is hope. Nothing is permanent. And in the end we will see that this cloud we have been living under has just been a way for us to grow, learn and flourish.

I am ready to see what happens after this rain.

Also- I highly reccomend the book "Sacred Economics" by Charles Eisenstein

The return to love.

I have been reading many articles and watching many interviews with people who have come to know their true nature....LOVE.

I have learned that our ego's cannot grapple with the idea of loving unconditionally, so they come up with reasons to love. Whereas LOVE needs no reasons or condition. LOVE is.

Something that struck me as interesting this morning, and something that I am still growing with, is the idea that this life is about returning to love. It is about remembering our true nature. And that our essence and our ego's want different things, even though we call it by the same name. So while the Ego "looks" for love, the spirit "returns" to love. That means it has never left us. It has only been forgotten and dismissed so that we can remember how great it really is to live in that love. When describing love, many of us try to use words that imply that it comes from an outside source, when the truth is, it comes from within us. It IS what we are.

I guess I have no exact purpose of writing all of this. Except that it is a reminder to me, and anyone who would care to join me in my journey for a moment. Love is what we are. And experiencing that is the greatest adventure in this life. So let's return to love :)

The Joy

Sometimes I become so excited, so joyful and so happy... I can't help but express all of the love pouring out of me.

I am excited and heart filled even in the hardest moments of my life anymore. It's not that I have not felt disappointment and anger and frustration...but I have a fresh and new perspective on every human emotion, which has become just one thing. LOVE.

I have really been exploring this idea. Every day. It is not an intellectually understood concept. It is a heart felt knowledge. In my explanation of why I love everything so much....I can only say that I have started to experience the feelings and understand the words that have lead me to this place.

I am learning now that all of my problems are caused from one thing. Separation.
And I am learning that the answer and cure is also one thing. Connection.

For when I understand with my soul that everything is one, nothing can harm me, and I wish to do no harm to others.

Forgiveness becomes a freeing feeling and it is an unconditional love. For real forgiveness cannot happen unless you realize that there is nothing anyone can do to deserve this love. It just is. So, love exists whether or not there is an experience that goes along with it.

I have learned that this feeling of utter happiness is divine. It is the recognition of the divine in all people, in all things. Love, light and peace.....all real things that are understood at a rooted deep level, and not with our minds.

People Watching

So, I began working in a vintage shop on Alberta that sells mainly cowboy attire and flannel shirts with some retro-fitted dresses. It's been great so far, mainly because I can use this space as my office. What I have been doing at home is writing music and contemplating, and here I can basically do the same thing,  all the while feeling the heart beat of this unique and electrifying neighborhood.

Today I have seen a wide range of travelers and locals peruse around the store. I love people watching. I find everyone so fascinating in their own unique ways. I am blown away at the diversity in all people and how we each contribute to the collective whole.

 Just a few minutes ago, a group of deaf men over the age of 40 walked in. I didn't realize they were deaf until a few minutes in. They were so graceful in their communication it almost made me cry with joy. Before that, a lesbian couple near my age walked in and glorified their unity, joyfully looking around the shop. I met a few people from Sweden speaking in their native tongue for about 5 minutes....until I just had to ask, "where are you from?" Their tricky vowels and consonants were unfamiliar to my ears.   I conversed with a band from Canada on vacation asking me for tips on what to do, and I could only tell them a little bit about my own experience. I still have so much to discover. I have only been working for two days and I can see such a glory in this world. In the people.

I have spent a ton of time traveling recently, and for a while, I will be in Portland. It feels so right to call this place home. I can feel an energy unlike any place I have ever been. Travelers and locals alike can all feel the same beautiful welcoming energy. This city is alive, and I get to live here. I am so blessed.

Judge Judy

This blog post has absolutely nothing to do with the tough and aggressive law woman herself, but it does have to do with the first word. Judge.

How often do we judge others?

I was in the dollar store the other day, and I was audibly scoffing at the surplus of goods being shipped to us from third world countries so that we can buy them for an ideally low price of a dollar. I was scoffing, and angry, and......judgmental of those were shopping there. But I began to think...if I am judging them, what is stopping them from judging others as well?

If I would have known myself even a year ago, I would have not wanted to be my friend. I was just as unaware of the damage it costs to support this industry with my dollar. And though I have greatly shifted my perception of how I view large companies that overpower the little guy, I still have a long way to go.

My point is, any judgment is not a representation of love. Sure, becoming passionate about the earth and the treatment of others is important....but to scoff at others for being so naive is unfair. I am sure I will look back even on today and see how much growth I have had since now. I must do the changing in my own heart, and live by example. That is the lesson I have learned. When I judge others, I judge myself more.

shedding the fear of independence

Being the youngest of three and the only girl in my family, I have been accustomed to being dependent on others. Even with my friends, I have always greatly appreciated taking on the "role" of someone to be cared for. I have relished in the youngest sibling prototype for far too long, and I have recently done much thought on being my own caretaker. Though I have encountered countless opportunities towards being independent (college first then the cruise) It hasn't really hit me in totality until now.

Moving here to Portland has shown me that I really am capable of doing things on my own. I have gained incredible confidence that I did not have before..... all that I am grateful for.

But something has been on my mind lately:

The fine line between being independent but also being part of a strong community.

We are people who need other people. And sharing your gifts and skills with others along with receiving their generosity does not make you solely dependent on them. Everyone has something to offer, and that is where the search for your own independence plays such a huge role. If we know ourselves to be a true guide and confidence shines through us, we can indeed lead others. We can help each other grow.

The way I was living my life previously was causing others to feel responsible for me. Perhaps that had to do with how I treated them (they were my only guides). However, through much contemplation, I have realized that I am my greatest teacher. I have the answers, and I am very confident that I can do anything. Now, I rest in knowing that I have so much to offer in a community because I am whole. I am not a weak being who needs others to care for me, instead, I am a part of a collection of whole people who can give and take when we need it most. Instead of relying on others and pulling from their energy, I replenish their hospitality by giving my strength (perhaps at another time) when I am radiating with it.

In college, I took a course in Trul Kor Yoga, which is an ancient form of yoga from Tibet. These yogis were incredible, and could conquer any fear mainly because they knew it was all a state of mind. That class was merely an introduction for me into independence because our teacher constantly reminded us that we are all going to be alright. The fear of graduation plagued all of us.... but for me, it was the fear of independence and being on my own. She shared her glorious life stories with us each class, and now looking back, I can really see what she means. I am an independent woman, who is fearless and strong. I can do anything when I trust that the magic will happen. And the comfort of community is bigger than just depending on others, it is knowing that you contribute just as much to their lives.

patience is a virtue

with all the life experience I have been blessed with, this is by far the most challenging. It is the challenge of resting in the great unknown.

I am not sure what life has in store for me. Only that I have great love and passion for music. When I sing, I can feel my whole being radiate with joy. It is almost as if I am being taken to another world completely. I know other artists feel similarly. It's as if I am tapping into the greatest secret of all time, ridding myself of this illusion for a brief moment. All my worries disappear, because they never really existed in the first place.

This time period of my life has been transformative and fluid. I have spent many hours, by grace alone, in solitude. I have listened to my gut. I have practiced peace. I have pushed away the greatest doubts I have ever known. But all of this has taken tremendous patience. Patience I prayed for. And instead of automatically becoming patient, I was given time to wait.

I used to be the biggest stress ball. I couldn't control my reactions to the simplest hiccups in life. I needed to chill, to say the least. And Yoga has done wonders for my inner peace. But even more so, I have handed over my trust to the unfolding universe.

It is so easy to get so caught up in the every day annoyances and worry about the future. So, to the best of my ability, right now on this crazy unknown journey I have set upon, I release myself into the greatest adventure I have known yet.

I am loved by love itself

On the subject of love.

Hafiz says in The Gift something like this (forgive my paraphrasing)" One cannot master love, one can only serve as a vessel (a glass of wine)"

I adore how he uses that imagery of the glass of wine. The wine; being aged to perfection, is the love that we realize has been overflowing after years of experience. The wine glass; being our vessel that love can freely flow through.

We cannot try to attain love. It is not something that you can perfect. It is just there. It is available all of the time. We must be open to love flowing through us in order to experience it though. This is a choice.

Many people have an idealized picture of how love is "supposed to be". I know I still do in some ways. We have made love into an item, versus something that is inately a part of being human. It is our nature to love. Even in those humans where love is expressed in terms of fear. We are all love. Period.

I feel so blessed to have realized that love is not something I can gain or own. It is something that is a part of me. Everything in my life has stemmed from my connection to love. My music, my energy, my joy, and even my insecurities. For in those tough times that I am filling that void of love with something else, it is still a part of love. It is only disguised and masked by this illusion.

 Love is all there is, and we are an expression of love.

As I went down in the river to pray....

This weekend was one to write about.

 I followed my hearts longing, and I went to commune with nature, and a beloved friend and mentor Jo- Ellen. I found my way down the 5 freeway through the lush land of southern Oregon into an oasis located on a creek and river. This was paradise.

When I arrived at their piece of heaven on earth, I closely held my dear friend who I hadn't seen in years...knowing that true human connection heals all wounds. I found myself taken back by the serenity of this land and the wisdom of Jo Ellen. After releasing my weighted baggage by laughing through life, I found clarity and simplicity.

Jo- Ellen let me read this magnificent book called "Epiphany" by Elise Ballard, that highlights the greatest transitions in people's lives. One woman shared her story of finding her connection with God, and realizing how dramatic she had made her own life. She attracted all of these huge "problems" in her life in order to make room for the life she really wanted. She also realized she couldn't help anyone until she focused on her own peace and serenity. It was touching, and so accurate.When your mind is so pre-occupied with the chaos in life, you can't help anyone, including yourself.

Sometimes life hands you lemons, and like they say......

but what you do with those sticky situations is truly the beauty of life. They are opportunities to grow and connect to your true path.

And as I spent my weekend belly laughing, crying and being quiet and still, I realized....nothing is as big of a deal as it seems, and all you can do is strive for clarity and wisdom and let your troubles wash away with the flowing river.

Thank you Jo-Ellen, again, you have reminded me that LOVE is all there is.

Mirror, Mirror

As I stared into the reflection of my own eyes this morning during Bikram, I realized something very interesting about a human reflection.

How many times have I looked into a mirror, and yet have never really seen that it was me standing there?

How many years of judgment have I passed on the body that I live in?

Is my reflection really what the world sees?

So many questions flooded through my thoughts.

Gosh, I have spent so many years looking in to mirrors. I have seen myself get dressed up like I was royalty, and so groggy and pale faced in the mornings. I have seen the best and worst looks I have ever sported, staring back at me. And every time I looked in to my reflection has been so filled with my past and filled with either anger or approval or some sort of judgmental reaction.

 I know I am not alone in this. Body image and appearance ideas flood our mental environment every day. Whether it be on the front of a gossip magazine, where celebrities are tortured for their 5 extra pounds and natural cellulite, or as simple as your good friend complementing your curves saying , "oh, that is a very flattering cut on you". Both good and bad thoughts come to mind when I think of body image.

Being an entertainer, body image has been one of the greatest challenges I have had to face. I have been scrutinized many a time for my curves, and it has been something that has always bothered me. But the truth is, I never was that dissatisfied with my figure. It was always the eye of the world telling me to be thinner and more body conscious. So, I aimed to please every one except myself in this society  in order to fit into the ideal image.

But that proved to never work. I couldn't change my body because my mind and soul had proven to be content. I love my knobby knees, pink skin tone, slightly small lips, turned in pigeon-toed feet, my tiny ear lobes and carny hands. I could list a million funny things about this body that I reside in. But all of them are perfect.

Today I realized something magnificent. Every body in that yoga studio was different. Behind me, stood a strong, muscular man without an inch of body fat. Next to him, was a mousy brown haired 20- something female with a boyish figure. On the other side of the room, was a woman in her later years, sporting the scars of a well experienced mother. All of these bodies were unique. Each one of them spectacular. And that is the glorious thing about bodies. Even if we strive to look like someone else, we never will. Because we were all made as different and beautiful as each snowflake and rose petal. There is no one on this earth that is exactly the same.

I never want to feel bad about my image ever again. I only want to be healthy, and strive to eat the best fuel for this body, so that I may do yoga and ride my bike until I die.

Remember too, that all of you are richly blessed with your bodies. Never compare yourself to another human being. You are actually perfect.

Being

We are human BEING's. That means, we must just be. It's easier said than done, isn't it? Myself included, we all reach for something beyond the moment, and rarely let things flow within us. I continually find myself mulling over the past and concentrating on the future. How often do we hone in to the present? For me, not nearly enough time in my life is dedicated to the now.

It's funny how we can spend so much of our lives wishing for more this, more that.....and crying out....why me? Why don't I have more love in my life? Why does my job suck? Why am I not stable in anything? It's all a cry out to the universe that we really don't have those things. When you present a lack, it's very true, we create a lack. But if for just one moment, we cultivated all of our energy in to the present, we would see a tremendous shift in our outlooks. The more we focus in on the now, the more we align ourselves with the heartbeat of the world. And the more abundance is created.

I am not always as chipper as some people think. But I do strive to create goodness and happiness in my life. Now, this doesn't mean that I don't become sad or heart broken at times, instead, I enjoy the emotions flowing through me. For all emotions are beautiful. It is part of this colorful world that we live in. When I am too focused on the past or future, I cannot enjoy the harmonies placed into my heart at this moment. When I allow the world to flow through me, versus trying controlling the outcome, Life is a symphony of all notes coming together perfectly. It is transformative. The sheer joy of being comes out to play.

I am trying this new meditation called "A Course In Miracles". It is free online, but you can buy the book as well. It is really a daily affirmation to live in the moment without judgment. Already I can see how my mind is not as trained as I thought. It's funny, I saw the name of the book written down as a reminder for me to read it in my calendar, but I honestly cannot remember when I wrote that down, or even who told me about it. It must have just come to me right in time. Right in the now.

Might I suggest, listening to an actual symphony- see how this changes your now.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qH13hpBgDI

Also, here is the link to a course in miracles-

www.acourseinmiracles.com

Dear Diary....

“Keeping a journal has taught me that there is not so much new in your life as you sometimes think. When you re-read your journal you find out that your latest discovery is something you already found out five years ago. Still, it is true that one penetrates deeper and deeper into the same ideas and the same experiences.”---- Thomas Merton

I read this quote and it really resonated with me. I have been keeping a journal since the day after graduating college. Before that, I dabbled in some silly entries, doing the normal pre-teen “Dear diary, today I like this boy, but does he like me?” yadyadayada. But it wasn’t until my mother gave me the most beautifully embroidered journal for graduation that I really thought I would give this journaling thing a try. 

Journaling is more than just a notebook of daily events. To me, it is a stream of consciousness. A place to let go of every thought I have ever had and see it in a tangible form. If I see it on paper, I can really understand my thoughts. Instead of letting my feelings fester in my gut, they are released on paper. My journal is truly a sacred space for me to grapple with the noisy confusion of life. It is a conversation, to say the least. 

I find it so clever how the great trappist monk Thomas Merton explained how our lives go in circles. It’s so true. I look back on my first journal, and I see the same issues I am facing now. However, now, with the growth of my spirituality, my entries come from a place of understanding versus sheer frustration. I can see old habits trying to formulate again and take over. However, this time I can see the growth in myself and have mastered some control over my thoughts. It’s really magical. 

I also have seen some incredible things happen because of the immense thought and prayer I have put in to them. I will have written on a complicated topic in my journal, then see my prayers literally answered in such a beautiful way. My journal is the story of my life unfolding. I used to think my life was somewhat boring, until I saw my life on paper, realized and remembered. I feel blessed in so many ways that I can write down my thoughts and see them unfold into a life story. 

To be quite honest, those of you who have known me for a long period of time, know that I used to hate reading, and writing wasn’t my strong point. I still don’t consider myself a prolific writer, I just say what I feel is all. However, now I love to write. It’s mostly because of my journal. I don’t feel like I am writing to impress, rather to jump on the bandwagon of human connection. The more I say how I feel, the likeliness is that others are feeling it as well, or I allow myself to discover some new facets in this life I have been given. I am merely a vessel in this world. And all of you, my brothers and sisters. 

Journaling has been around for many many years. It is so sacred, if you allow it to be. If you haven’t started journaling, perhaps it’s not your thing, or perhaps you have never tried it. I recommend starting a journal for the sake of digging in to your deepest thoughts. Though it may be kind of scary at first, the discoveries are quite powerful. 

The F word

Forgiveness can be just a word. But what is the true meaning?

Let me explain my interest in this topic today. I have apologized and have forgiven a ton of wrongs in my life....but until recently, I hadn’t truly discovered the deep and unconventional meaning of the word forgiveness.

As I was meditating on the most sacred rock in a canyon on the coast of California, I found some deeply rooted fear written in the core of my being.

I had told myself over and over again, that I had moved on from all that plagued me. Despite that assurance, I still aimed to reason with the unreasonable. I tried to grapple with all of the complexities of this life....internally and externally. Questions filled my spirit that I intuitively knew had no concrete answer. I felt like I was gripping on to a false reality in order to ease my busy mind and ego.

But that’s what our ego does. It strangles our ability to surrender. It thrives on the fact that we must try to reason with all of our questions in order to obtain answers. Our ego appears to be pretty strong sometimes. But really, it’s the greatest illusion in our minds. 

Our egos also love pain. Believe it or not....an ego cultivates more pain in order to grow. But the spirit within each of us seeks to surrender.

And that is the fullest definition of forgiveness; the conscious decision to surrender. The beauty of this life lies in the surrender to the unknown. Though we can verbally say that we forgive someone or something.....some things remain totally unresolved. The pain still exits within the realm of our hearts. It isn’t until we truly release the chains of our past and well thought out future that we can find peace in the now. We will continually go back to that pain that in some ways gives us comfort (unsettling, but true) until we actually let it all go. In releasing the hold on those moments or people that have wounded you, the real healing begins. 

I cannot speak for all of you, obviously. But in my experience, I can tell you that forgiveness is one of the greatest challenges known to man. It is accepting that the need to control your life is an illusion. It is the greatest task, but when you decide to let go of all of that pain within, and allow others to be free from that burden as well, love is the only thing that remains.

 To quote my favorite movie....as you all know :)

“When you forgive, you love, and when you love....god’s light shines through you”- ITW

OK computer

So, as some of you know, Wild Mountain Bell has a song called "Apples", in which we make total fun of ourselves and the way society (and us) rely too much on technology. We are getting dumber by the minute.

On my plane ride on my way back to California yesterday, I turned my phone on after landing to tell my sister in law that I made it safe. The darn thing would NOT cooperate. I was pretty pissed, but I laughed and told the passenger next to me, "this thing is a piece of crap anyway"...and he responded with "yah, but we can't live without them."

Is that true? I mean, is that how we define life anymore? I know as I am typing this up on my computer, after spending a whole chunk of monotonous time on facebook, I am no better. I rely equally on my gadgets to get me through the day.

Luckily, I have escaped the draw of having a television set, and I do my best to avoid ever listening to commercials on any form of media, but I still rely on my phone GPS to get me around town and connect with people during the day.

I called my bank today, and this is why I am writing this blog. Instead of talking to a human being on the phone, the computer automated voice was my guide. The only thing I wanted to do was talk to a person. The computer had no compassion and sure as hell wouldn't let my babbling mouth explain my situation. I mean, I was frustrated, to say the least. But more than just being agitated at the lack of understanding from a gadget, I was aching for the true human connection that we have lost in today's day and age.

Computers and phones and ipads have all been invented to make our lives easier....and in some ways, it has opened up our capacity for knowledge more than we could have ever imagined. But it has trapped us. Truly. We are full of information, but lacking human relation in so many ways.

Imagine life without computers, phones and other smart technology. Now, it seems near impossible to fathom such a world. But back in the day, our grandparents...and even parents never knew what life was like with such technology. In some ways, it has advanced society, but in my opinion.....it has truly made us dependent beings. What would it be like, if for one day, we all connected to the magic around us, instead of the life on the satellite waves?

I don't know......but it's kind of intriguing.

Maybe it would force us to rely on each other more.  Allow for our neighbors to give us those directions that our GPS usually told us. We could entertain ourselves with music, art, theater and poetry while sharing all these glorious gifts we've been given.  We could tap in to the resources of societies elders, and ask them to define some of the great historical knowledge we really need to understand. We could also peel our faces off of the computer screen and focus in to the NOW.

I don't know about you guys, but I think I am ready for a radical change in this world. A radical, and yet incredibly simplistic change. Maybe I couldn't blog anymore, but instead share my story with a group of people over a scrumptious meal. The possibilities are endless. And though at first the change may be scary, it would also enrich our lives more than any computer friend could ever do. Because it's real life, people......

 and it's delicious.

Our mind plays tricks on us

Sometimes life leaves you in a place where you have no idea what is going to happen next. Despite your meticulous planning and organization skills, you will never fully grasp what’s yet to come. I am learning that the more I try to hold on to or control moments, the more they fade, or turn in to something other than what I had thought they would be.  It’s unnerving sometimes to think that the five year plan you had will probably not be what you wanted....

but it could be even better.

Being on the edge of something great can feel like life is letting you down. You wait anxiously for something huge to happen and in reality, it’s the journey that matters, not the destination (cheesy, but true). We have to learn to enjoy the steps leading up to, versus the actual goal. And when you hone in on the moment, it’s true that things take you by surprise. All the stresses we feel when things aren’t going our way are brought on by a very powerful illusion. We only struggle because we are holding on to an idea of how things “should be” versus how they actually are. 

I am speaking from experience, obviously, because words are just pointers, they cannot fulfill this human life. It’s through experience, that maybe you too can understand this. And even though I am writing this, I feel like I still have to learn as well. Life continually shows me that holding on to moments never fulfills. It’s only when I am fully aware of the moment that life flows beautifully. In fact, my constant effort to control situations appears devastating. When I know in reality, it’s all in my head. Love and life is a constant stream of wonder, and we just have to hop in and go where the water takes us.

It's getting hot in here.....

In the past few years, I have gotten really into my yoga practice. Not just any yoga. Hot yoga. Standing in a heated room up to 110 degrees while doing questionable poses. I mean, the kind where you feel like you might keel over and die in the middle of it. 

Why do I do it, you ask? 

I really don't know. 

I mean, every time I get there on the mat, I think.....oh man, not again! It's practically torture in some of these poses. The breathing is awkward, my shoulders hurt, and someone is talking at me the entire time! 

Complaints left and right fill my head. 

But then, I get it. Some sort of yogic light bulb illuminates inside of me. DING!

Maybe the uncomfortable sensations that I feel are supposed to be the worst for a reason. If I settle in to the most awful situation for that moment and breathe through it, it's a beautiful thing. 

Sometimes I cry during yoga. (I don't know if I should admit that haha) However, it is not because I am crying about anything specific. I cry because I am letting go. I go so deep in these positions that are ridiculously scary, and in doing that, I let go of my fear. I let go of all the tension holding me back. I let go with all of my might.

It's all so deliciously symbolic. In life, we struggle through the most uncomfortable situations. From every end of the spectrum; every day annoyances to utter heartbreak. And in those moments, if we can train our bodies, minds and souls to breathe through them, we can conquer anything. We don't have to be afraid anymore. We just have to breathe. 

Man cannot live by bread alone

As many of you know, I have an incredibly restrictive diet. After years of stomach issues, and strange tests and such, I found that nutrition is the the only thing that saves me. My diet right now is very difficult to follow, but I am grateful I live in a place like Portland ,where food allergies are very accepted. I mean, even the Subway has gluten- free and vegan options. I took this blood test called the ALCAT, which tested for all sorts of allergens in food, and what my body specifically reacted to. I have known for a few years that gluten was a problem, but I had no idea how may foods my body actually reacted to. I am very sensitive to every day common things like ; lemon, garlic, ginger, cantaloupe...yadayadayada. It's actually an extensive list, and I will spare you the long laundry list of items. But the funny thing is, I got tested last year before going on the ship, and my allergens were totally different. I could not have pineapple or carrots for a year. It's so weird. But it really made me realize how important variety in my diet is. If I ate the same things over and over again, eventually I would build up an intolerance to it. So, as much as I love  my almond milk smoothies and brown rice, I cannot eat them every day. I now pay such close attention to every ingredient I digest. I am very careful of everything I put in to my body, which is really important anyway. I have become a conscious eater. I still eat way too fast, but I am working on that as well. The thing is, many many people have food allergies. But they show up in other ways besides stomach issues. I have one friend who eats gluten and sleeps all day. Another friend who aches all over after eating a  sandwich. The important thing is to be aware of what you are eating and how it affects you. If you are one of those "lucky one's" who can eat anything and never has a problem, you should also be careful. Our bodies are acutely aware of our actions. If we treat our bodies with respect and care, they will treat us with the same.


    That also applies to things that we put on to our body. I recently found out that there is a chemical in hair products, lotions, sunscreens, and basically anything that rubs into your skin that is found in the formation of breast tumors. They are called Parabens, and they are really dangerous.  It makes sense though. If you think about it, whatever you rub on your skin soaks in to your skin. I used to be skeptical about all natural products (and I still always look to see if they really are) but now, I really want to make sure I watch for dangerous chemicals in my products. It's really difficult to find things without it that aren't super expensive, but why skimp on health? You could end up spending that money on medical bills anyway.

     This world is filled with free- radicals and even the air we breathe can give us cancer, so the best thing we can do is aim to take care of ourselves and the earth around us. Everything is connected. Everything is linked. We truly are what we eat.



Also- I know some of you have asked me to help them with some allergen free- diet tips, so if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me

Supportlandia

"A healthy soul is found only, when in the mirror of each soul the whole community finds its reflection, and when in the whole community the virtue of each one is living "- Rudolf Steiner

I have noticed in this place, this beautiful area of the earth called Portland, community is thriving.  It is at least aching to make a difference. I remember a previous blog I wrote this summer about how people aren't looking at each other anymore.....and how people really just need other people. Well, Portland has showed me that community really does exist.
       For a city, Portland has a very small town feel. I have only been here a few months, and I already see some of the same faces everywhere. The greatest feeling is when I meet someone out at a music event, and then see them getting groceries the next day. Instead of brushing me off as a crazy person when I try to figure out how I know them, they truly search as well. They want to know me too. I guess being on a ship for a year made me recognize the simple beauty of forming relationships. I haven't been settled down in one place for a long time, and it feels so good to make friendships that I can invest in. I can invest in this community.
    I have one amazing example how supportive this community is. Last night, Wild Mountain Bell had another show. We were the middle act of three, and the crowd was unbelievably gracious. We felt so welcomed. Before the show, I was wondering down Alberta street (a cute area of town near me) to look at the posters Caleb made for our upcoming show. I couldn't get in to the bar to see them, so I wandered into an adorable vintage clothing and boot shop. I saw a very southern floral blue dress on a mannequin that caught my eye to go inside. I started talking to the shop girl, and told her about my shows and how I liked the dress cause I could maybe wear it for one. It was a pleasant conversation, and she seemed very interested to come and support us sometime. I told her we were performing very close to her shop in a week, and I figured she may or may not be there. Then at our show, guess who walks in with a friend? She sat right in front and listened the whole time! I was very impressed by how supportive a complete stranger was to me. But the crazy thing is, I think we actually will be good friends. Turns out we have a ton of the same views on life :)
     I love how when you least expect it, you find truth in others around you. You find the same longings and love and passions. They may have different names for these feelings, but they are all based off of the ultimate yearning for peace, love and joy. That is why a supportive community is so important. When we can share those beautiful parts of our souls with each other,  we can start recognizing the ultimate oneness. Portland is a special community. I am so blessed to be a part of it.

fly free bird

I have had a lot of time to think this week. Being new to Portland with no real job (except babysitting the cute little ones) and a handful of friends (which is getting bigger) I have a ton of time to contemplate.

It's so nice.


For once in my life, I feel free. Free to live my life the way I choose. I can focus on the beauty of the moment, because I can actually live it. I find that the time I have had to be in peace, and hear my thoughts, has opened me up to a world of possibilities.

It's interesting though, the things I try to still hold on to never seem to work. It's only when I let go of every thought I had about what things are "supposed to be", that things really do fall in to place.

Perfectly.

This week, Wild Mountain Bell played a show at a local joint, and a very loving group of friends came to support us. At the end of our show, a guy who is dating one of our friends told us how he played upright bass and could hear a world of music going on in his head while listening to us.
We of course jumped on the opportunity to play with him...and let me tell you, it just added a whole new level of artistry that I never could have imagined. I didn't expect that. And because I let go of how I felt about the music,  it became something far more glorious.

I really struggle with patience and with allowing things to take this beautiful life course naturally. But I am learning. Being in Portland has already blessed me with so many possibilities. I am just going to observe now. And let life unfold as it will.

Perfectly

Fear is the lock, and laughter the key to your heart

4/9/2012

I had a dream last night that my shower was filled with these giant blue bugs that looked like a mix between a grasshopper and a butterfly. I was afraid to step into that shower, and so I went to the other shower in the house, and they were there as well. With no other options,  I stepped into the shower, and started the water, and these bugs opened their giant wings and were gloriously beautiful. I was touched by how colorful they were. It was magic. I woke up this morning, and decided to think about what my dream could have meant.

 I am by no means a dream reader, but I do think the bugs in my dream represented my fear.  When I stepped into the shower, with those big blue mysterious bugs in it, I was facing a fear. And in doing that, I saw the beauty in it. There are so many things I am afraid of. As humans, we naturally cling to fear in the absence of love. But I really want to step into the shower of my fears, and let the water wash it all away. I can no longer allow my life to be run by my fears. And sometimes, when you just jump wholeheartedly into it, your fears really do transform into the glorious and colorful butterfly that is real love.

Il dolce far niente

In this fast paced world we live in, it seems like we never take the time to ourselves. Time to reflect on our week, time to evaluate what just happened, or even time to contemplate the simple beauty of life. We just move right on by. My favorite part of yoga, maybe because you just lie there, like your dead, is shavasana (aptly names dead man's pose). The funny thing is, even though the rest of yoga is beneficial, shavasana is the most important pose. If you do not let your body reflect on what you just did, your body cannot reap the benefits of the hour class. Honestly, it's the sweetness of doing nothing. :)

Taking my yoga off the mat, I realized this week that we all need to do nothing sometimes. If you don't allow yourself time to reflect, how can you grow? How can you reap the real benefits of life. The juiciness of living is only obvious when you slow down. Being an American, I feel like we have so many choices to make. It starts with our morning coffee. And with over a thousand movies to choose from on Netflix, I sincerely feel overwhelmed sometimes! haha, but really, choices are suffocating us. And the speed of our choices is exponentially growing. This means, we must slow down sometimes. Let all of our choices, including the subconscious ones, take full effect. I think I am really starting to appreciate what those hermit monks do while out in the desert. They do nothing. They do nothing, and they love it. It's a peaceful time with God.

Anyways, today, as I was watching the light from the gorgeous Portland day slightly fade into different hues, I observed the nothingness. And in this glorious nothingness, was everything.

Let the magic happen

All I can say from my first week in Portland is Wow. I feel so overwhelmed with joy, it is truly hard to describe. I don't want to blink, I am afraid I might miss something. This place is filled with joyful spirits who rejoice artistically and it is so amazing to be a part of this beautiful movement.

I am sure I will miss a few things in trying to re-cap on this week, but I will do my best. The first day Jessica got into town, we got right into performing at an open mic. We went to Alberta Street Public house and sang 3 of our tunes. That night, we met some pretty amazing musicians, and wanted to invite them to jam with us later in the week. We exchanged contact info and marveled at the awesome unexpected night we had. The next night, we went back to the open mic we originally got out gig at when we went to the open mic the first visit to Portland. We thought it would be great practice again, and didn't want to drag out the ol' heavy keyboard again. They had a piano already there. So, we get there, and by playing this night, the same guy who hired us the first time in Portland insisted we set up a date. So, we got the date set for that gig. Then we went to a few shows and did one more open mic. All were successful interesting days. On sunday, we went to yoga, church and then had an insane potluck and jam session that blew my mind. All of these people we met within the week, came together, and made music. It was magical. One of the guys from the band we met played the fiddle. He went to Juliard, and came to Portland with a similar story. He was called here. Felt like he needed to be in a place that nurtured and cultivated beautiful art. During this jam session, we all went into a trance. It was moving and incredible to hear him jam out on the violin. We also bonded on our love for mandolin virtuoso Chris Thile and he told me he is recording with him soon. I about died. I obviously admire Chris Thile so much, and hearing this amazing violin player say he was working with him made my jaw drop. As soon as we can, we want to have him play with us on our music. It's all so alive here, I can't believe the talent in this area.
Tonight, Jess and I decided to do an open mic where we would compete to get a featured slot at the venue. We had a really wonderful time meeting all of the amazing musicians, but by far the most insane band that came in was the Novelists. They are a band from Reno, Nevada and they are in town for a few days. They are so solid and they sound pristine. They won the competition, but since they could not be here for the showing, we get to do it because we came in 2nd place! So, really we got the time slot! It's so cool. They are such nice people too, and we have a random mutual friend. While Jess and I were working on the ship, we met two singer songwriters named Kate Cotter and Grace Hutchinson who were taking their vacation to Alaska together. They were both from Reno, and I spent many nights picking their brains and telling them how I really wanted to start music as soon as I got off the ship. They were so helpful to us, I decided to stay in contact with them. The Novelists all know those two girls, and are dear friends of theirs. It's such a small world isn't it? So, we've got some amazing musicians to collaborate with....wow, here we go!

The road to Portland

"You are not the child of the people you call mother and father, but their fellow adventurer on a bright journey to understand the things that are"- Richard Bach

This past week, I saw a part of this world so rich with beauty and love I almost couldn't handle it. Driving up the Oregon and California coast with my mother was a true adventure. With quite the detailed trip tikks from both AAA and Paulquest (thanks Paul), we had the journey of a lifetime; one that I will treasure forever. 

My mom and I are so much alike in looks we could almost be mistaken for each other....oh who am I kidding, we always get mistaken for each other!  Way to go MOM! However, we have our differences in personality. But that doesn't keep us from having the deepest, most guttural belly laughs on the face of this planet. When we get going, we don't stop. And sometimes, the things that make us laugh are not even funny! But, it's really situational. On our trip, we surely had many of those memorable moments, and some of them I am willing to share :) 

So, first day driving, we stop in Monterey. The drive up through California's gorgeous farm country was...well, picturesque.  Rolling hills, farm animals, a breathtaking sunset, what could be better than all of that?  We stopped in Solvang for a delicious lunch. Solvang is a little dutch community in Southern California. I figured after spending a year on a dutch cruise line, this would be a great place to explore. Our second stop was in a hidden valley of the sort near Monterey. The trees were welcoming us, draping over the  street, as we drove deeper and deeper into the farm country, We stopped at an olive oil place and tested the finest of oils. I can't believe this either. After years of detesting the tastes of olives, I actually enjoy them now. Perhaps it's because I am NOT allergic to them :) We arrived late  afternoon in Monterey. We then got up early the next day and drove to Napa. I had never been to Napa before this trip with my mother. Napa is stunning, to say the least. I have never seen so many wineries. One after the other. Rows and rows of grape-vines cascading over the  hills. I was blown away, and a little buzzed. haha. I mean, we were trying wine here :) We tried a variety of the best wines in the world (in my opinion...and I can say this now because I have had alot of the wine of the world :) ) But this wine was the kind of wine that went down so smoothly. The buttery white wines and the strong and fragrant reds. My mouth is watering thinking about this again! We had a marvelous dinner in wine country and then KAPUT! fell asleep really early at the Best Western in Napa. The next day, we drove through Sonoma, which is smaller than Napa, but no less wonderful. We shared a picnic out in a park and truly soaked up the giving sun. We then drove to our next destination of Healdsburg, California. Just a few more hours north. When my mom and I got to the Best Western here, we thought this might be more aptly named Better than the Best Western. I mean, this place was hooked up! I was kind of shocked that they even called it a Best Western. It was a little villa in Tuscany. So, my mom and I decided to take advantage of the amenities. We went to the gym and then went outside in slightly drizzly rain to take a jacuzzi. The outside was pretty cold in comparison to the pristine weather we saw before on the road.  So when we got out of the steaming hot tub, we were laughing hysterically at the suggestion of a towel this hotel provided. They were merely squares of fabric. With our teeth chattering and bare feet, we ran to our room. Only, we did not remember the room number! We had stayed in so many hotels, we didn't know which room was ours. We were so mad at each other, but mainly cracking up because we were standing there, half clothed, dripping wet, and we were lost. We tried every single door in the hallway, except the last door, which was ours! It was pretty embarrassing when we told the hotel clerk we didn't remember our room number, and we were standing right in front of our door. Classic moment, I should say. The next day, we took the 101 to see something I still can't even describe with words. The Redwood forest is a piece of heaven. These trees are gigantic. The trunks were the size of SUVs. They were taller than the eiffel tower. And there were rows and rows of them. Talk about a sacred place. I got choked up just thinking about how the trees have lived longer than I can even imagine. These trees have seen our past. If only they could talk. Oh the stories they would tell! With laughter and joy filling our hearts, my Mom and I drove further than we expected to, as to make our trip to Portland the next day short and easy. The next day, we knew we were getting close. You know when you feel a constant rush of joy in your heart? Like you have something to look forward to? I equate the feeling to when I was a kid, heading to Disneyland, or waiting for a friend to come over (I was a really social kid!). I felt this overwhelming feeling this last day driving to the destiny. I feel called to Portland, and I could feel a magnetic pull towards it in every cell of my body. As we drove up into the city of roses. I knew we had come to the right place. Moving in was a challenge, since I was moving in to a pretty dusty basement. But my mother is a champion of spiders and she showed me how to make this place feel like home. We made my room into a place to invite other musicians in to feel comfortable to explore music. Jess and I will definitely have the space to practice and make music come alive. I am so excited. I had to say goodbye to my mother today, as she flew back to sunny California. My mother is a wonderful, beautiful woman, whom I admire with all of my heart. She made this move to Portland so smooth and I could not have done it without her loving guidance. I am really fortunate to have such a friend and mentor in a mother.

So far, every moment in Portland has reassured me this is where I need to be. I have never felt so welcomed in my life. People are aware here. They are here to live in community and make changes. I want to be a part of this. I am a part of this. I hope you will all join me on this new adventure. 

The Final Portland

We cannot discover new oceans until we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. ~ Muriel Chen


Here we go again friends. Year 2011 was all about seeing the world and noticing very specific things about myself and others. I grew so much in connection with this world and it's people, but I know there is still so much to be experienced. How delicious is this life? The year 2012, for me at least, is going to be transformative. This dream will be my reality. I am following my bliss. And I will never have to say, "oh I wish I would have followed my intuition". I am going to do the irrational move here. I hear what people say, and I accept some of their well- thought out guidance. But I truly believe, when you have a gut feeling, you must follow that voice. That, is the voice of the divine. Working in all of us. And when we follow our true callings, things happen to us that we did not expect. Already, I see some major beautiful changes happening in my life. I am challenged every day to not listen to my pesky ego, and to listen to the greater voice inside me (and in all of us). How great is it that I get an opportunity to share something I believe in with all of my soul? I am so blessed, I sometimes wonder how I got so lucky. Portland seems like a place to discover more. A place to grow in ways I never imagined. A place where I am clearly being called to. I will take this challenge, even if it is not usual. I do not point fingers at anyone for taking a different path. I am taking this leap. This leap of faith, that all will be right with the world. I leave in 2 days on my journey to "the final portland". Jessica and I had an epiphany when we both simultaneously chose portland as our destiny. We had been traveling the world, seeing so many magnificent PORTS, that the final Port of land would obviously be PORT LAND. There is magic everywhere people, just open your eyes. Love to all my family and friends in California. You have blessed me so much, it becomes difficult to leave. But please know that we are never truly apart. Love connects us all, and I love you with all of my heart. 

the fortress

Thought I'd take a few moments to re-cap on the past month.
Since being home in sunny california, I've continued traveling.....of course. I don't think I can sit still!
After a marvelous christmas with my family( seeing my adorable nieces and baby nephew view christmas was the best part), I went on a cruise to Mexico with Shannon. Just four days after I got home from the cruise, I was going to be east coast bound for a week. First Nashville to visit Sam and his family, then to New York City to see some dear friends, and celebrate Roy's birthday.

I was so looking forward to actually visiting Nashville. I have been wanting to see what all the buzz was about since college, when Bonnie told me about how her uncle lived there, and LOVED it. So, I knew I would have similar feelings about it. The first night in Nashville was awesome. I stepped off the plane, and It smelled like the south. Is that weird to say....you know what I mean, when places have a smell? Well, Tennessee kind of smells like North Carolina. I was brought right back to the brick steps of Elon when I stepped into Nashville. I met Sam's family, and sang some tunes with them, and had some pretty killer mexican food....(even though it didn't measure up to actual mexican food....oh I sound like travel snob). Sam's Mom and Step Dad are both amazing musicians, like sam, and his mother, Whit Hill, also wrote an awesome book called "Not about Madonna" a little ode to her pre-icon roommate....and I loved it! :) The next day, Sam and I went down town and got to stare at some beautiful instruments. I was mesmerized by these mandolins hanging on the wall. I sat down, and began to play. The sound was impeccable, but it made me realize that just because an instrument is expensive, does not mean it plays better. I have to say, my inexpensive mandolins play pretty well! Thanks Dad for helping me fix em up! The friendly staff in these music stores truly brightened my day. I sure love that southern hospitality! When we got back home, I swear, Sam cooked up the most delicious gluten free meal. He cooked so many incredible meals, actually. I was kind of shocked. And I was wondering, was he trying to fatten me up for the harsh winter in New York? :) That night, his Mom wanted to take me to a bluegrass jam happening downtown at a fiddle shop. I thought, why not? Even though I didn't bring my mandolin (which was unusual, and sad) I figured I could sing with her. And so we learned a little bluegrass ditty to sing together. When we got there, there was a circle of men and women all playing instruments. And they all played them well! Several of them hopped on to different instruments. One guy was shredding on the guitar, then asked to play the stand up base, then took solo on the mandolin. My jaw dropped. I was able to play a beautiful extra mandolin they had in the shop, but I wasn't quite prepped to keep up with this kind of caliber of musicians. I was in awe. I mean, seriously, these musicians were top of the line. And this is what they do! They get together every week, and continue to get better together. I love the communal support I felt there. Even though I was far from being in their bracket, I felt encouraged to play. How cool. The next day, Sam and I wandered around town, and saw a typical country band play. There was an old man with white hair and a pony tail playing along with an awesome drummer and guitar player. He sounded like Willie Nelson. Then a girl who would be in the same category as Taylor Swift sang some whiny nasal tunes. Nothing wrong with her voice, she just had a very southern twang. We had a nice time exploring town that day. The final night in Nashville was my favorite. It showed me a little different side of town. Sam and I went to see a charming jazz singer and her band down at Fitzgeralds. She had long dreadlocks and an outfit that resembled something that Morticia Adams would sport. She was incredibly expressive, but gave all of the well deserved credit to the highly qualified musicians behind her. Sam is a Jazz drummer, and it was so great to see live Jazz with him. I looked over and asked, "are they good?" (even though I liked them, jazz musicians are particular...no offense) He assured me they were top of the line. I didn't want to say goodbye to such a great friend, but I knew that our paths would cross again. I had a splendid time in the ol' south, and I look forward to visiting again.

Now on to New York. You know how they say that true friends can go years without seeing each other, and they pick up right where they left off? Well, that definitely proved to be the case when I went to New York City. I held my dear friends Roy, Ashley and Johnny like no time had passed. We basically hadn't seen eachother since graduation! It was way too long. The laughter and the love that came out of that place roared like thunder. We were so happy to be reunited. And it was so nice to meet many of Roy's wonderful friends as well. The greatest part of seeing New York again, was seeing it through new eyes. The last time I was there, it was a stressful time. I was in the middle of tech for a school production, and a ton of us seniors got called in for a callback for Spring Awakening in the city. I had never been more overwhelmed by a situation. It definitely showed me my true calling is music, and maybe not the music AND theater. Though I have enjoyed my time in theater, and may go back to it, I know that writing and singing my own folk music, spreading the truth, and making my own rules is my favorite form of art. Anywho, I got to see several of my college friends, who have not changed a bit! Meeting Julianne and Annie for tea was like stepping into our college coffee shop, the Acorn, once again. I missed them, but time did not pass with us. We didn't see any shows, or spend any money (besides the one amazing meal we had), but we did spend quality time together catching up. On the last night I was in New York, I left the city and took a train to Long Island to see Ashley and her family. Oh how I love the Flanagans. Their house fills with joy and love and laughter. They are such good people. Ashley and I learned an old Bob Dylan song as a duet to sing for her parents 25th anniversary. It was so good to sing along with Ashley's buttery voice once again. The whole time in new york and Nashville was just what I needed to kick me into gear for moving to Portland.
This past 2 weeks, I have spent so much time working on my craft. I have written so much and my fingers are nice and callused from pounding on my mando. I can feel a burst of creative energy consuming my life right now. And I LOVE IT!!! It's so wonderful to be able to have this fortress to create.... speaking of fortress..... I met a really interesting musician on my way home from New York. He was sitting next to me, and then complimented me on my outfit (which I felt pretty grubby, so I was flattered) and he said I had a cool vibe. I mean....cool.....I guess haha. We began talking about our interests in music. I had seen that he had a guitar, and told him I played mandolin and sang. He was very interested in my career path, as he had chosen the same passion. He was on his way to NAMM ( National association of music merchants) and he was a producer and a songwriter. Anyway, it was interesting that we had so much in common. He was telling me about his studio name that he chose, and how it came about. He told me how he loved the tv show Smallville, which had several seasons about Superman before he became....well....super :) Superman would go to his fortress and continue to learn about his powers...until one day he became the greatest. The great Superman, as we know him. This man named his studio The Fortress, because he would work on his craft in there, and come out with greatness. I thought that was interesting, and it gave me some insight on what I am doing now. I have taken so much time to create something that I believe in. I spent months learning about myself and the beauty of this world on my ship contract, I racked up tons of life experience to relate to people with, and I have taken the time here to evaluate what is next for me. We all are capable of being the greatest. We just need to go back to our personal fortress from time to time.

New years revolution

12/31 2001 to the new year

I figured it would be the most appropriate, ringing in the new years on a ship, when I spent most of 2011 working at sea. Yesterday, I received a phone call, late at night that I would possibly be able to take my free cruise (which you are allowed to sign up for if you’ve worked for the company for so many months....I worked 11) if anyone were to drop out at the last minute. I thought to myself, why not? If they call me, why not be spontaneous and go on a cruise to Mexico? After being on a ship for 11 months though, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go near another ship for a while. Being on land has freed me.  Though I cherished my experience, I loved the life on land, and I am looking forward to making a life in Portland. However, I thought, when will be the next time I am offered a basically free cruise to Mexico? I shut out all of my thoughts, and packed my bags for yet another spontaneous life moment. 

Now, my friend Shannon (who is currently on break from pounding her books hard from grad school) and I decided we would go if they called us last minute. I ended up calling them back the day of to see if they had any last minute reservations cancelled. I mean, this was a special cruise, since it was the new years cruise. I was pretty sure no one would have wanted to cancel. But sure enough, I called, and they had a space for us. I told Shannon it was time to head on out. Thankfully, the only sure commitments I had was a dentist appointment and meeting up with good friends. I am lucky, they all understood how rare this opportunity is. 

We got to the terminal, and everything fell so smoothly. No questions asked. Everyone was super friendly, and I (for once) was a passenger on the ship. I don’t know if you would quite get how strange that feels. This meant, I have NO RULES! If I wanted to, I could walk around the Lido deck with only a bath robe on, I could wander into the swimming pool or jacuzzi, and I could make my own reservations....alright, I get that this may sound odd to some of you, but really, it’s the small things. After Shannon and I checked into our room, we went up to get some lunch, and I ran into a familiar face from the first ship I worked on. She was one of the Lido workers on the Prinsendam, and I was sure after I transfered ships, I would never see her again. I was lucky to see my friend Erza from indonesia once again. She was so happy to reunite, she reached over the counter to touch my hands :) I was filled with joy. I also saw a friend from the shops I knew on the Amsterdam and some bar staff who were familiar. So many memories flooded into my brain. 

I was a little emotional too. After spending most of my year on a ship, I started to remember all of those amazing people that touched my life so deeply, who I may not see again. Or, I may, who knows? I wandered around the stage, and felt like I was out of place....shouldn’t I be getting ready for a show? I went to the ocean bar, and expected to see a smiling face that I love so much. I half expected to run into my dear friends Ericka and Yulien on the ship while they were wandering around .

Shannon and I went to dinner at the Dining Room, and met some very interesting people already. We got to see some great entertainment too. Then, we went to the new years party and danced the night away. I am not sure what it was, but it was kind of amazing. It’s not that it was anything particularly special, but it meant alot for me to ring in the new year on a ship. I’ve really had the time of my life this past year, and I am grateful for all of it :) The year 2012 holds an exciting new adventure. I am so looking forward to writing more of my life as it comes. I am ready to take what I have learned and use it to enrich my life as well as others....will you join me in this adventure? :)

Jan 1 2012

It is indeed the year 2012. Everything that we have ever thought about 2012, may or may not be true...who knows. But we are making history, right now, in this first day of 2012. We changed our calenders, and though the gym floods with hopeful people, and others make the resolutions to be better at their life, we are left with some disappointments midway through the year. Must New Year’s always just be a novelty? Why not take the word Years.....and make it Days? Or better yet, New MOMENTS resolution. That would surely start a revolution....don’t you think? If we really lived in the moment, the way our hearts and souls truly desire? I think we are meant for great things, even bigger than we ever expected. But we have to stop living in the past, or even the future. Because the truth is, the only thing there ever is or was....is NOW.