Being

We are human BEING's. That means, we must just be. It's easier said than done, isn't it? Myself included, we all reach for something beyond the moment, and rarely let things flow within us. I continually find myself mulling over the past and concentrating on the future. How often do we hone in to the present? For me, not nearly enough time in my life is dedicated to the now.

It's funny how we can spend so much of our lives wishing for more this, more that.....and crying out....why me? Why don't I have more love in my life? Why does my job suck? Why am I not stable in anything? It's all a cry out to the universe that we really don't have those things. When you present a lack, it's very true, we create a lack. But if for just one moment, we cultivated all of our energy in to the present, we would see a tremendous shift in our outlooks. The more we focus in on the now, the more we align ourselves with the heartbeat of the world. And the more abundance is created.

I am not always as chipper as some people think. But I do strive to create goodness and happiness in my life. Now, this doesn't mean that I don't become sad or heart broken at times, instead, I enjoy the emotions flowing through me. For all emotions are beautiful. It is part of this colorful world that we live in. When I am too focused on the past or future, I cannot enjoy the harmonies placed into my heart at this moment. When I allow the world to flow through me, versus trying controlling the outcome, Life is a symphony of all notes coming together perfectly. It is transformative. The sheer joy of being comes out to play.

I am trying this new meditation called "A Course In Miracles". It is free online, but you can buy the book as well. It is really a daily affirmation to live in the moment without judgment. Already I can see how my mind is not as trained as I thought. It's funny, I saw the name of the book written down as a reminder for me to read it in my calendar, but I honestly cannot remember when I wrote that down, or even who told me about it. It must have just come to me right in time. Right in the now.

Might I suggest, listening to an actual symphony- see how this changes your now.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qH13hpBgDI

Also, here is the link to a course in miracles-

www.acourseinmiracles.com

Dear Diary....

“Keeping a journal has taught me that there is not so much new in your life as you sometimes think. When you re-read your journal you find out that your latest discovery is something you already found out five years ago. Still, it is true that one penetrates deeper and deeper into the same ideas and the same experiences.”---- Thomas Merton

I read this quote and it really resonated with me. I have been keeping a journal since the day after graduating college. Before that, I dabbled in some silly entries, doing the normal pre-teen “Dear diary, today I like this boy, but does he like me?” yadyadayada. But it wasn’t until my mother gave me the most beautifully embroidered journal for graduation that I really thought I would give this journaling thing a try. 

Journaling is more than just a notebook of daily events. To me, it is a stream of consciousness. A place to let go of every thought I have ever had and see it in a tangible form. If I see it on paper, I can really understand my thoughts. Instead of letting my feelings fester in my gut, they are released on paper. My journal is truly a sacred space for me to grapple with the noisy confusion of life. It is a conversation, to say the least. 

I find it so clever how the great trappist monk Thomas Merton explained how our lives go in circles. It’s so true. I look back on my first journal, and I see the same issues I am facing now. However, now, with the growth of my spirituality, my entries come from a place of understanding versus sheer frustration. I can see old habits trying to formulate again and take over. However, this time I can see the growth in myself and have mastered some control over my thoughts. It’s really magical. 

I also have seen some incredible things happen because of the immense thought and prayer I have put in to them. I will have written on a complicated topic in my journal, then see my prayers literally answered in such a beautiful way. My journal is the story of my life unfolding. I used to think my life was somewhat boring, until I saw my life on paper, realized and remembered. I feel blessed in so many ways that I can write down my thoughts and see them unfold into a life story. 

To be quite honest, those of you who have known me for a long period of time, know that I used to hate reading, and writing wasn’t my strong point. I still don’t consider myself a prolific writer, I just say what I feel is all. However, now I love to write. It’s mostly because of my journal. I don’t feel like I am writing to impress, rather to jump on the bandwagon of human connection. The more I say how I feel, the likeliness is that others are feeling it as well, or I allow myself to discover some new facets in this life I have been given. I am merely a vessel in this world. And all of you, my brothers and sisters. 

Journaling has been around for many many years. It is so sacred, if you allow it to be. If you haven’t started journaling, perhaps it’s not your thing, or perhaps you have never tried it. I recommend starting a journal for the sake of digging in to your deepest thoughts. Though it may be kind of scary at first, the discoveries are quite powerful. 

The F word

Forgiveness can be just a word. But what is the true meaning?

Let me explain my interest in this topic today. I have apologized and have forgiven a ton of wrongs in my life....but until recently, I hadn’t truly discovered the deep and unconventional meaning of the word forgiveness.

As I was meditating on the most sacred rock in a canyon on the coast of California, I found some deeply rooted fear written in the core of my being.

I had told myself over and over again, that I had moved on from all that plagued me. Despite that assurance, I still aimed to reason with the unreasonable. I tried to grapple with all of the complexities of this life....internally and externally. Questions filled my spirit that I intuitively knew had no concrete answer. I felt like I was gripping on to a false reality in order to ease my busy mind and ego.

But that’s what our ego does. It strangles our ability to surrender. It thrives on the fact that we must try to reason with all of our questions in order to obtain answers. Our ego appears to be pretty strong sometimes. But really, it’s the greatest illusion in our minds. 

Our egos also love pain. Believe it or not....an ego cultivates more pain in order to grow. But the spirit within each of us seeks to surrender.

And that is the fullest definition of forgiveness; the conscious decision to surrender. The beauty of this life lies in the surrender to the unknown. Though we can verbally say that we forgive someone or something.....some things remain totally unresolved. The pain still exits within the realm of our hearts. It isn’t until we truly release the chains of our past and well thought out future that we can find peace in the now. We will continually go back to that pain that in some ways gives us comfort (unsettling, but true) until we actually let it all go. In releasing the hold on those moments or people that have wounded you, the real healing begins. 

I cannot speak for all of you, obviously. But in my experience, I can tell you that forgiveness is one of the greatest challenges known to man. It is accepting that the need to control your life is an illusion. It is the greatest task, but when you decide to let go of all of that pain within, and allow others to be free from that burden as well, love is the only thing that remains.

 To quote my favorite movie....as you all know :)

“When you forgive, you love, and when you love....god’s light shines through you”- ITW

OK computer

So, as some of you know, Wild Mountain Bell has a song called "Apples", in which we make total fun of ourselves and the way society (and us) rely too much on technology. We are getting dumber by the minute.

On my plane ride on my way back to California yesterday, I turned my phone on after landing to tell my sister in law that I made it safe. The darn thing would NOT cooperate. I was pretty pissed, but I laughed and told the passenger next to me, "this thing is a piece of crap anyway"...and he responded with "yah, but we can't live without them."

Is that true? I mean, is that how we define life anymore? I know as I am typing this up on my computer, after spending a whole chunk of monotonous time on facebook, I am no better. I rely equally on my gadgets to get me through the day.

Luckily, I have escaped the draw of having a television set, and I do my best to avoid ever listening to commercials on any form of media, but I still rely on my phone GPS to get me around town and connect with people during the day.

I called my bank today, and this is why I am writing this blog. Instead of talking to a human being on the phone, the computer automated voice was my guide. The only thing I wanted to do was talk to a person. The computer had no compassion and sure as hell wouldn't let my babbling mouth explain my situation. I mean, I was frustrated, to say the least. But more than just being agitated at the lack of understanding from a gadget, I was aching for the true human connection that we have lost in today's day and age.

Computers and phones and ipads have all been invented to make our lives easier....and in some ways, it has opened up our capacity for knowledge more than we could have ever imagined. But it has trapped us. Truly. We are full of information, but lacking human relation in so many ways.

Imagine life without computers, phones and other smart technology. Now, it seems near impossible to fathom such a world. But back in the day, our grandparents...and even parents never knew what life was like with such technology. In some ways, it has advanced society, but in my opinion.....it has truly made us dependent beings. What would it be like, if for one day, we all connected to the magic around us, instead of the life on the satellite waves?

I don't know......but it's kind of intriguing.

Maybe it would force us to rely on each other more.  Allow for our neighbors to give us those directions that our GPS usually told us. We could entertain ourselves with music, art, theater and poetry while sharing all these glorious gifts we've been given.  We could tap in to the resources of societies elders, and ask them to define some of the great historical knowledge we really need to understand. We could also peel our faces off of the computer screen and focus in to the NOW.

I don't know about you guys, but I think I am ready for a radical change in this world. A radical, and yet incredibly simplistic change. Maybe I couldn't blog anymore, but instead share my story with a group of people over a scrumptious meal. The possibilities are endless. And though at first the change may be scary, it would also enrich our lives more than any computer friend could ever do. Because it's real life, people......

 and it's delicious.

Our mind plays tricks on us

Sometimes life leaves you in a place where you have no idea what is going to happen next. Despite your meticulous planning and organization skills, you will never fully grasp what’s yet to come. I am learning that the more I try to hold on to or control moments, the more they fade, or turn in to something other than what I had thought they would be.  It’s unnerving sometimes to think that the five year plan you had will probably not be what you wanted....

but it could be even better.

Being on the edge of something great can feel like life is letting you down. You wait anxiously for something huge to happen and in reality, it’s the journey that matters, not the destination (cheesy, but true). We have to learn to enjoy the steps leading up to, versus the actual goal. And when you hone in on the moment, it’s true that things take you by surprise. All the stresses we feel when things aren’t going our way are brought on by a very powerful illusion. We only struggle because we are holding on to an idea of how things “should be” versus how they actually are. 

I am speaking from experience, obviously, because words are just pointers, they cannot fulfill this human life. It’s through experience, that maybe you too can understand this. And even though I am writing this, I feel like I still have to learn as well. Life continually shows me that holding on to moments never fulfills. It’s only when I am fully aware of the moment that life flows beautifully. In fact, my constant effort to control situations appears devastating. When I know in reality, it’s all in my head. Love and life is a constant stream of wonder, and we just have to hop in and go where the water takes us.