The F word

Forgiveness can be just a word. But what is the true meaning?

Let me explain my interest in this topic today. I have apologized and have forgiven a ton of wrongs in my life....but until recently, I hadn’t truly discovered the deep and unconventional meaning of the word forgiveness.

As I was meditating on the most sacred rock in a canyon on the coast of California, I found some deeply rooted fear written in the core of my being.

I had told myself over and over again, that I had moved on from all that plagued me. Despite that assurance, I still aimed to reason with the unreasonable. I tried to grapple with all of the complexities of this life....internally and externally. Questions filled my spirit that I intuitively knew had no concrete answer. I felt like I was gripping on to a false reality in order to ease my busy mind and ego.

But that’s what our ego does. It strangles our ability to surrender. It thrives on the fact that we must try to reason with all of our questions in order to obtain answers. Our ego appears to be pretty strong sometimes. But really, it’s the greatest illusion in our minds. 

Our egos also love pain. Believe it or not....an ego cultivates more pain in order to grow. But the spirit within each of us seeks to surrender.

And that is the fullest definition of forgiveness; the conscious decision to surrender. The beauty of this life lies in the surrender to the unknown. Though we can verbally say that we forgive someone or something.....some things remain totally unresolved. The pain still exits within the realm of our hearts. It isn’t until we truly release the chains of our past and well thought out future that we can find peace in the now. We will continually go back to that pain that in some ways gives us comfort (unsettling, but true) until we actually let it all go. In releasing the hold on those moments or people that have wounded you, the real healing begins. 

I cannot speak for all of you, obviously. But in my experience, I can tell you that forgiveness is one of the greatest challenges known to man. It is accepting that the need to control your life is an illusion. It is the greatest task, but when you decide to let go of all of that pain within, and allow others to be free from that burden as well, love is the only thing that remains.

 To quote my favorite movie....as you all know :)

“When you forgive, you love, and when you love....god’s light shines through you”- ITW

OK computer

So, as some of you know, Wild Mountain Bell has a song called "Apples", in which we make total fun of ourselves and the way society (and us) rely too much on technology. We are getting dumber by the minute.

On my plane ride on my way back to California yesterday, I turned my phone on after landing to tell my sister in law that I made it safe. The darn thing would NOT cooperate. I was pretty pissed, but I laughed and told the passenger next to me, "this thing is a piece of crap anyway"...and he responded with "yah, but we can't live without them."

Is that true? I mean, is that how we define life anymore? I know as I am typing this up on my computer, after spending a whole chunk of monotonous time on facebook, I am no better. I rely equally on my gadgets to get me through the day.

Luckily, I have escaped the draw of having a television set, and I do my best to avoid ever listening to commercials on any form of media, but I still rely on my phone GPS to get me around town and connect with people during the day.

I called my bank today, and this is why I am writing this blog. Instead of talking to a human being on the phone, the computer automated voice was my guide. The only thing I wanted to do was talk to a person. The computer had no compassion and sure as hell wouldn't let my babbling mouth explain my situation. I mean, I was frustrated, to say the least. But more than just being agitated at the lack of understanding from a gadget, I was aching for the true human connection that we have lost in today's day and age.

Computers and phones and ipads have all been invented to make our lives easier....and in some ways, it has opened up our capacity for knowledge more than we could have ever imagined. But it has trapped us. Truly. We are full of information, but lacking human relation in so many ways.

Imagine life without computers, phones and other smart technology. Now, it seems near impossible to fathom such a world. But back in the day, our grandparents...and even parents never knew what life was like with such technology. In some ways, it has advanced society, but in my opinion.....it has truly made us dependent beings. What would it be like, if for one day, we all connected to the magic around us, instead of the life on the satellite waves?

I don't know......but it's kind of intriguing.

Maybe it would force us to rely on each other more.  Allow for our neighbors to give us those directions that our GPS usually told us. We could entertain ourselves with music, art, theater and poetry while sharing all these glorious gifts we've been given.  We could tap in to the resources of societies elders, and ask them to define some of the great historical knowledge we really need to understand. We could also peel our faces off of the computer screen and focus in to the NOW.

I don't know about you guys, but I think I am ready for a radical change in this world. A radical, and yet incredibly simplistic change. Maybe I couldn't blog anymore, but instead share my story with a group of people over a scrumptious meal. The possibilities are endless. And though at first the change may be scary, it would also enrich our lives more than any computer friend could ever do. Because it's real life, people......

 and it's delicious.

Our mind plays tricks on us

Sometimes life leaves you in a place where you have no idea what is going to happen next. Despite your meticulous planning and organization skills, you will never fully grasp what’s yet to come. I am learning that the more I try to hold on to or control moments, the more they fade, or turn in to something other than what I had thought they would be.  It’s unnerving sometimes to think that the five year plan you had will probably not be what you wanted....

but it could be even better.

Being on the edge of something great can feel like life is letting you down. You wait anxiously for something huge to happen and in reality, it’s the journey that matters, not the destination (cheesy, but true). We have to learn to enjoy the steps leading up to, versus the actual goal. And when you hone in on the moment, it’s true that things take you by surprise. All the stresses we feel when things aren’t going our way are brought on by a very powerful illusion. We only struggle because we are holding on to an idea of how things “should be” versus how they actually are. 

I am speaking from experience, obviously, because words are just pointers, they cannot fulfill this human life. It’s through experience, that maybe you too can understand this. And even though I am writing this, I feel like I still have to learn as well. Life continually shows me that holding on to moments never fulfills. It’s only when I am fully aware of the moment that life flows beautifully. In fact, my constant effort to control situations appears devastating. When I know in reality, it’s all in my head. Love and life is a constant stream of wonder, and we just have to hop in and go where the water takes us.

It's getting hot in here.....

In the past few years, I have gotten really into my yoga practice. Not just any yoga. Hot yoga. Standing in a heated room up to 110 degrees while doing questionable poses. I mean, the kind where you feel like you might keel over and die in the middle of it. 

Why do I do it, you ask? 

I really don't know. 

I mean, every time I get there on the mat, I think.....oh man, not again! It's practically torture in some of these poses. The breathing is awkward, my shoulders hurt, and someone is talking at me the entire time! 

Complaints left and right fill my head. 

But then, I get it. Some sort of yogic light bulb illuminates inside of me. DING!

Maybe the uncomfortable sensations that I feel are supposed to be the worst for a reason. If I settle in to the most awful situation for that moment and breathe through it, it's a beautiful thing. 

Sometimes I cry during yoga. (I don't know if I should admit that haha) However, it is not because I am crying about anything specific. I cry because I am letting go. I go so deep in these positions that are ridiculously scary, and in doing that, I let go of my fear. I let go of all the tension holding me back. I let go with all of my might.

It's all so deliciously symbolic. In life, we struggle through the most uncomfortable situations. From every end of the spectrum; every day annoyances to utter heartbreak. And in those moments, if we can train our bodies, minds and souls to breathe through them, we can conquer anything. We don't have to be afraid anymore. We just have to breathe. 

Man cannot live by bread alone

As many of you know, I have an incredibly restrictive diet. After years of stomach issues, and strange tests and such, I found that nutrition is the the only thing that saves me. My diet right now is very difficult to follow, but I am grateful I live in a place like Portland ,where food allergies are very accepted. I mean, even the Subway has gluten- free and vegan options. I took this blood test called the ALCAT, which tested for all sorts of allergens in food, and what my body specifically reacted to. I have known for a few years that gluten was a problem, but I had no idea how may foods my body actually reacted to. I am very sensitive to every day common things like ; lemon, garlic, ginger, cantaloupe...yadayadayada. It's actually an extensive list, and I will spare you the long laundry list of items. But the funny thing is, I got tested last year before going on the ship, and my allergens were totally different. I could not have pineapple or carrots for a year. It's so weird. But it really made me realize how important variety in my diet is. If I ate the same things over and over again, eventually I would build up an intolerance to it. So, as much as I love  my almond milk smoothies and brown rice, I cannot eat them every day. I now pay such close attention to every ingredient I digest. I am very careful of everything I put in to my body, which is really important anyway. I have become a conscious eater. I still eat way too fast, but I am working on that as well. The thing is, many many people have food allergies. But they show up in other ways besides stomach issues. I have one friend who eats gluten and sleeps all day. Another friend who aches all over after eating a  sandwich. The important thing is to be aware of what you are eating and how it affects you. If you are one of those "lucky one's" who can eat anything and never has a problem, you should also be careful. Our bodies are acutely aware of our actions. If we treat our bodies with respect and care, they will treat us with the same.


    That also applies to things that we put on to our body. I recently found out that there is a chemical in hair products, lotions, sunscreens, and basically anything that rubs into your skin that is found in the formation of breast tumors. They are called Parabens, and they are really dangerous.  It makes sense though. If you think about it, whatever you rub on your skin soaks in to your skin. I used to be skeptical about all natural products (and I still always look to see if they really are) but now, I really want to make sure I watch for dangerous chemicals in my products. It's really difficult to find things without it that aren't super expensive, but why skimp on health? You could end up spending that money on medical bills anyway.

     This world is filled with free- radicals and even the air we breathe can give us cancer, so the best thing we can do is aim to take care of ourselves and the earth around us. Everything is connected. Everything is linked. We truly are what we eat.



Also- I know some of you have asked me to help them with some allergen free- diet tips, so if you have any questions, please feel free to contact me

Supportlandia

"A healthy soul is found only, when in the mirror of each soul the whole community finds its reflection, and when in the whole community the virtue of each one is living "- Rudolf Steiner

I have noticed in this place, this beautiful area of the earth called Portland, community is thriving.  It is at least aching to make a difference. I remember a previous blog I wrote this summer about how people aren't looking at each other anymore.....and how people really just need other people. Well, Portland has showed me that community really does exist.
       For a city, Portland has a very small town feel. I have only been here a few months, and I already see some of the same faces everywhere. The greatest feeling is when I meet someone out at a music event, and then see them getting groceries the next day. Instead of brushing me off as a crazy person when I try to figure out how I know them, they truly search as well. They want to know me too. I guess being on a ship for a year made me recognize the simple beauty of forming relationships. I haven't been settled down in one place for a long time, and it feels so good to make friendships that I can invest in. I can invest in this community.
    I have one amazing example how supportive this community is. Last night, Wild Mountain Bell had another show. We were the middle act of three, and the crowd was unbelievably gracious. We felt so welcomed. Before the show, I was wondering down Alberta street (a cute area of town near me) to look at the posters Caleb made for our upcoming show. I couldn't get in to the bar to see them, so I wandered into an adorable vintage clothing and boot shop. I saw a very southern floral blue dress on a mannequin that caught my eye to go inside. I started talking to the shop girl, and told her about my shows and how I liked the dress cause I could maybe wear it for one. It was a pleasant conversation, and she seemed very interested to come and support us sometime. I told her we were performing very close to her shop in a week, and I figured she may or may not be there. Then at our show, guess who walks in with a friend? She sat right in front and listened the whole time! I was very impressed by how supportive a complete stranger was to me. But the crazy thing is, I think we actually will be good friends. Turns out we have a ton of the same views on life :)
     I love how when you least expect it, you find truth in others around you. You find the same longings and love and passions. They may have different names for these feelings, but they are all based off of the ultimate yearning for peace, love and joy. That is why a supportive community is so important. When we can share those beautiful parts of our souls with each other,  we can start recognizing the ultimate oneness. Portland is a special community. I am so blessed to be a part of it.

fly free bird

I have had a lot of time to think this week. Being new to Portland with no real job (except babysitting the cute little ones) and a handful of friends (which is getting bigger) I have a ton of time to contemplate.

It's so nice.


For once in my life, I feel free. Free to live my life the way I choose. I can focus on the beauty of the moment, because I can actually live it. I find that the time I have had to be in peace, and hear my thoughts, has opened me up to a world of possibilities.

It's interesting though, the things I try to still hold on to never seem to work. It's only when I let go of every thought I had about what things are "supposed to be", that things really do fall in to place.

Perfectly.

This week, Wild Mountain Bell played a show at a local joint, and a very loving group of friends came to support us. At the end of our show, a guy who is dating one of our friends told us how he played upright bass and could hear a world of music going on in his head while listening to us.
We of course jumped on the opportunity to play with him...and let me tell you, it just added a whole new level of artistry that I never could have imagined. I didn't expect that. And because I let go of how I felt about the music,  it became something far more glorious.

I really struggle with patience and with allowing things to take this beautiful life course naturally. But I am learning. Being in Portland has already blessed me with so many possibilities. I am just going to observe now. And let life unfold as it will.

Perfectly