Fear is the lock, and laughter the key to your heart

4/9/2012

I had a dream last night that my shower was filled with these giant blue bugs that looked like a mix between a grasshopper and a butterfly. I was afraid to step into that shower, and so I went to the other shower in the house, and they were there as well. With no other options,  I stepped into the shower, and started the water, and these bugs opened their giant wings and were gloriously beautiful. I was touched by how colorful they were. It was magic. I woke up this morning, and decided to think about what my dream could have meant.

 I am by no means a dream reader, but I do think the bugs in my dream represented my fear.  When I stepped into the shower, with those big blue mysterious bugs in it, I was facing a fear. And in doing that, I saw the beauty in it. There are so many things I am afraid of. As humans, we naturally cling to fear in the absence of love. But I really want to step into the shower of my fears, and let the water wash it all away. I can no longer allow my life to be run by my fears. And sometimes, when you just jump wholeheartedly into it, your fears really do transform into the glorious and colorful butterfly that is real love.

Il dolce far niente

In this fast paced world we live in, it seems like we never take the time to ourselves. Time to reflect on our week, time to evaluate what just happened, or even time to contemplate the simple beauty of life. We just move right on by. My favorite part of yoga, maybe because you just lie there, like your dead, is shavasana (aptly names dead man's pose). The funny thing is, even though the rest of yoga is beneficial, shavasana is the most important pose. If you do not let your body reflect on what you just did, your body cannot reap the benefits of the hour class. Honestly, it's the sweetness of doing nothing. :)

Taking my yoga off the mat, I realized this week that we all need to do nothing sometimes. If you don't allow yourself time to reflect, how can you grow? How can you reap the real benefits of life. The juiciness of living is only obvious when you slow down. Being an American, I feel like we have so many choices to make. It starts with our morning coffee. And with over a thousand movies to choose from on Netflix, I sincerely feel overwhelmed sometimes! haha, but really, choices are suffocating us. And the speed of our choices is exponentially growing. This means, we must slow down sometimes. Let all of our choices, including the subconscious ones, take full effect. I think I am really starting to appreciate what those hermit monks do while out in the desert. They do nothing. They do nothing, and they love it. It's a peaceful time with God.

Anyways, today, as I was watching the light from the gorgeous Portland day slightly fade into different hues, I observed the nothingness. And in this glorious nothingness, was everything.

Let the magic happen

All I can say from my first week in Portland is Wow. I feel so overwhelmed with joy, it is truly hard to describe. I don't want to blink, I am afraid I might miss something. This place is filled with joyful spirits who rejoice artistically and it is so amazing to be a part of this beautiful movement.

I am sure I will miss a few things in trying to re-cap on this week, but I will do my best. The first day Jessica got into town, we got right into performing at an open mic. We went to Alberta Street Public house and sang 3 of our tunes. That night, we met some pretty amazing musicians, and wanted to invite them to jam with us later in the week. We exchanged contact info and marveled at the awesome unexpected night we had. The next night, we went back to the open mic we originally got out gig at when we went to the open mic the first visit to Portland. We thought it would be great practice again, and didn't want to drag out the ol' heavy keyboard again. They had a piano already there. So, we get there, and by playing this night, the same guy who hired us the first time in Portland insisted we set up a date. So, we got the date set for that gig. Then we went to a few shows and did one more open mic. All were successful interesting days. On sunday, we went to yoga, church and then had an insane potluck and jam session that blew my mind. All of these people we met within the week, came together, and made music. It was magical. One of the guys from the band we met played the fiddle. He went to Juliard, and came to Portland with a similar story. He was called here. Felt like he needed to be in a place that nurtured and cultivated beautiful art. During this jam session, we all went into a trance. It was moving and incredible to hear him jam out on the violin. We also bonded on our love for mandolin virtuoso Chris Thile and he told me he is recording with him soon. I about died. I obviously admire Chris Thile so much, and hearing this amazing violin player say he was working with him made my jaw drop. As soon as we can, we want to have him play with us on our music. It's all so alive here, I can't believe the talent in this area.
Tonight, Jess and I decided to do an open mic where we would compete to get a featured slot at the venue. We had a really wonderful time meeting all of the amazing musicians, but by far the most insane band that came in was the Novelists. They are a band from Reno, Nevada and they are in town for a few days. They are so solid and they sound pristine. They won the competition, but since they could not be here for the showing, we get to do it because we came in 2nd place! So, really we got the time slot! It's so cool. They are such nice people too, and we have a random mutual friend. While Jess and I were working on the ship, we met two singer songwriters named Kate Cotter and Grace Hutchinson who were taking their vacation to Alaska together. They were both from Reno, and I spent many nights picking their brains and telling them how I really wanted to start music as soon as I got off the ship. They were so helpful to us, I decided to stay in contact with them. The Novelists all know those two girls, and are dear friends of theirs. It's such a small world isn't it? So, we've got some amazing musicians to collaborate with....wow, here we go!

The road to Portland

"You are not the child of the people you call mother and father, but their fellow adventurer on a bright journey to understand the things that are"- Richard Bach

This past week, I saw a part of this world so rich with beauty and love I almost couldn't handle it. Driving up the Oregon and California coast with my mother was a true adventure. With quite the detailed trip tikks from both AAA and Paulquest (thanks Paul), we had the journey of a lifetime; one that I will treasure forever. 

My mom and I are so much alike in looks we could almost be mistaken for each other....oh who am I kidding, we always get mistaken for each other!  Way to go MOM! However, we have our differences in personality. But that doesn't keep us from having the deepest, most guttural belly laughs on the face of this planet. When we get going, we don't stop. And sometimes, the things that make us laugh are not even funny! But, it's really situational. On our trip, we surely had many of those memorable moments, and some of them I am willing to share :) 

So, first day driving, we stop in Monterey. The drive up through California's gorgeous farm country was...well, picturesque.  Rolling hills, farm animals, a breathtaking sunset, what could be better than all of that?  We stopped in Solvang for a delicious lunch. Solvang is a little dutch community in Southern California. I figured after spending a year on a dutch cruise line, this would be a great place to explore. Our second stop was in a hidden valley of the sort near Monterey. The trees were welcoming us, draping over the  street, as we drove deeper and deeper into the farm country, We stopped at an olive oil place and tested the finest of oils. I can't believe this either. After years of detesting the tastes of olives, I actually enjoy them now. Perhaps it's because I am NOT allergic to them :) We arrived late  afternoon in Monterey. We then got up early the next day and drove to Napa. I had never been to Napa before this trip with my mother. Napa is stunning, to say the least. I have never seen so many wineries. One after the other. Rows and rows of grape-vines cascading over the  hills. I was blown away, and a little buzzed. haha. I mean, we were trying wine here :) We tried a variety of the best wines in the world (in my opinion...and I can say this now because I have had alot of the wine of the world :) ) But this wine was the kind of wine that went down so smoothly. The buttery white wines and the strong and fragrant reds. My mouth is watering thinking about this again! We had a marvelous dinner in wine country and then KAPUT! fell asleep really early at the Best Western in Napa. The next day, we drove through Sonoma, which is smaller than Napa, but no less wonderful. We shared a picnic out in a park and truly soaked up the giving sun. We then drove to our next destination of Healdsburg, California. Just a few more hours north. When my mom and I got to the Best Western here, we thought this might be more aptly named Better than the Best Western. I mean, this place was hooked up! I was kind of shocked that they even called it a Best Western. It was a little villa in Tuscany. So, my mom and I decided to take advantage of the amenities. We went to the gym and then went outside in slightly drizzly rain to take a jacuzzi. The outside was pretty cold in comparison to the pristine weather we saw before on the road.  So when we got out of the steaming hot tub, we were laughing hysterically at the suggestion of a towel this hotel provided. They were merely squares of fabric. With our teeth chattering and bare feet, we ran to our room. Only, we did not remember the room number! We had stayed in so many hotels, we didn't know which room was ours. We were so mad at each other, but mainly cracking up because we were standing there, half clothed, dripping wet, and we were lost. We tried every single door in the hallway, except the last door, which was ours! It was pretty embarrassing when we told the hotel clerk we didn't remember our room number, and we were standing right in front of our door. Classic moment, I should say. The next day, we took the 101 to see something I still can't even describe with words. The Redwood forest is a piece of heaven. These trees are gigantic. The trunks were the size of SUVs. They were taller than the eiffel tower. And there were rows and rows of them. Talk about a sacred place. I got choked up just thinking about how the trees have lived longer than I can even imagine. These trees have seen our past. If only they could talk. Oh the stories they would tell! With laughter and joy filling our hearts, my Mom and I drove further than we expected to, as to make our trip to Portland the next day short and easy. The next day, we knew we were getting close. You know when you feel a constant rush of joy in your heart? Like you have something to look forward to? I equate the feeling to when I was a kid, heading to Disneyland, or waiting for a friend to come over (I was a really social kid!). I felt this overwhelming feeling this last day driving to the destiny. I feel called to Portland, and I could feel a magnetic pull towards it in every cell of my body. As we drove up into the city of roses. I knew we had come to the right place. Moving in was a challenge, since I was moving in to a pretty dusty basement. But my mother is a champion of spiders and she showed me how to make this place feel like home. We made my room into a place to invite other musicians in to feel comfortable to explore music. Jess and I will definitely have the space to practice and make music come alive. I am so excited. I had to say goodbye to my mother today, as she flew back to sunny California. My mother is a wonderful, beautiful woman, whom I admire with all of my heart. She made this move to Portland so smooth and I could not have done it without her loving guidance. I am really fortunate to have such a friend and mentor in a mother.

So far, every moment in Portland has reassured me this is where I need to be. I have never felt so welcomed in my life. People are aware here. They are here to live in community and make changes. I want to be a part of this. I am a part of this. I hope you will all join me on this new adventure. 

The Final Portland

We cannot discover new oceans until we have the courage to lose sight of the shore. ~ Muriel Chen


Here we go again friends. Year 2011 was all about seeing the world and noticing very specific things about myself and others. I grew so much in connection with this world and it's people, but I know there is still so much to be experienced. How delicious is this life? The year 2012, for me at least, is going to be transformative. This dream will be my reality. I am following my bliss. And I will never have to say, "oh I wish I would have followed my intuition". I am going to do the irrational move here. I hear what people say, and I accept some of their well- thought out guidance. But I truly believe, when you have a gut feeling, you must follow that voice. That, is the voice of the divine. Working in all of us. And when we follow our true callings, things happen to us that we did not expect. Already, I see some major beautiful changes happening in my life. I am challenged every day to not listen to my pesky ego, and to listen to the greater voice inside me (and in all of us). How great is it that I get an opportunity to share something I believe in with all of my soul? I am so blessed, I sometimes wonder how I got so lucky. Portland seems like a place to discover more. A place to grow in ways I never imagined. A place where I am clearly being called to. I will take this challenge, even if it is not usual. I do not point fingers at anyone for taking a different path. I am taking this leap. This leap of faith, that all will be right with the world. I leave in 2 days on my journey to "the final portland". Jessica and I had an epiphany when we both simultaneously chose portland as our destiny. We had been traveling the world, seeing so many magnificent PORTS, that the final Port of land would obviously be PORT LAND. There is magic everywhere people, just open your eyes. Love to all my family and friends in California. You have blessed me so much, it becomes difficult to leave. But please know that we are never truly apart. Love connects us all, and I love you with all of my heart. 

the fortress

Thought I'd take a few moments to re-cap on the past month.
Since being home in sunny california, I've continued traveling.....of course. I don't think I can sit still!
After a marvelous christmas with my family( seeing my adorable nieces and baby nephew view christmas was the best part), I went on a cruise to Mexico with Shannon. Just four days after I got home from the cruise, I was going to be east coast bound for a week. First Nashville to visit Sam and his family, then to New York City to see some dear friends, and celebrate Roy's birthday.

I was so looking forward to actually visiting Nashville. I have been wanting to see what all the buzz was about since college, when Bonnie told me about how her uncle lived there, and LOVED it. So, I knew I would have similar feelings about it. The first night in Nashville was awesome. I stepped off the plane, and It smelled like the south. Is that weird to say....you know what I mean, when places have a smell? Well, Tennessee kind of smells like North Carolina. I was brought right back to the brick steps of Elon when I stepped into Nashville. I met Sam's family, and sang some tunes with them, and had some pretty killer mexican food....(even though it didn't measure up to actual mexican food....oh I sound like travel snob). Sam's Mom and Step Dad are both amazing musicians, like sam, and his mother, Whit Hill, also wrote an awesome book called "Not about Madonna" a little ode to her pre-icon roommate....and I loved it! :) The next day, Sam and I went down town and got to stare at some beautiful instruments. I was mesmerized by these mandolins hanging on the wall. I sat down, and began to play. The sound was impeccable, but it made me realize that just because an instrument is expensive, does not mean it plays better. I have to say, my inexpensive mandolins play pretty well! Thanks Dad for helping me fix em up! The friendly staff in these music stores truly brightened my day. I sure love that southern hospitality! When we got back home, I swear, Sam cooked up the most delicious gluten free meal. He cooked so many incredible meals, actually. I was kind of shocked. And I was wondering, was he trying to fatten me up for the harsh winter in New York? :) That night, his Mom wanted to take me to a bluegrass jam happening downtown at a fiddle shop. I thought, why not? Even though I didn't bring my mandolin (which was unusual, and sad) I figured I could sing with her. And so we learned a little bluegrass ditty to sing together. When we got there, there was a circle of men and women all playing instruments. And they all played them well! Several of them hopped on to different instruments. One guy was shredding on the guitar, then asked to play the stand up base, then took solo on the mandolin. My jaw dropped. I was able to play a beautiful extra mandolin they had in the shop, but I wasn't quite prepped to keep up with this kind of caliber of musicians. I was in awe. I mean, seriously, these musicians were top of the line. And this is what they do! They get together every week, and continue to get better together. I love the communal support I felt there. Even though I was far from being in their bracket, I felt encouraged to play. How cool. The next day, Sam and I wandered around town, and saw a typical country band play. There was an old man with white hair and a pony tail playing along with an awesome drummer and guitar player. He sounded like Willie Nelson. Then a girl who would be in the same category as Taylor Swift sang some whiny nasal tunes. Nothing wrong with her voice, she just had a very southern twang. We had a nice time exploring town that day. The final night in Nashville was my favorite. It showed me a little different side of town. Sam and I went to see a charming jazz singer and her band down at Fitzgeralds. She had long dreadlocks and an outfit that resembled something that Morticia Adams would sport. She was incredibly expressive, but gave all of the well deserved credit to the highly qualified musicians behind her. Sam is a Jazz drummer, and it was so great to see live Jazz with him. I looked over and asked, "are they good?" (even though I liked them, jazz musicians are particular...no offense) He assured me they were top of the line. I didn't want to say goodbye to such a great friend, but I knew that our paths would cross again. I had a splendid time in the ol' south, and I look forward to visiting again.

Now on to New York. You know how they say that true friends can go years without seeing each other, and they pick up right where they left off? Well, that definitely proved to be the case when I went to New York City. I held my dear friends Roy, Ashley and Johnny like no time had passed. We basically hadn't seen eachother since graduation! It was way too long. The laughter and the love that came out of that place roared like thunder. We were so happy to be reunited. And it was so nice to meet many of Roy's wonderful friends as well. The greatest part of seeing New York again, was seeing it through new eyes. The last time I was there, it was a stressful time. I was in the middle of tech for a school production, and a ton of us seniors got called in for a callback for Spring Awakening in the city. I had never been more overwhelmed by a situation. It definitely showed me my true calling is music, and maybe not the music AND theater. Though I have enjoyed my time in theater, and may go back to it, I know that writing and singing my own folk music, spreading the truth, and making my own rules is my favorite form of art. Anywho, I got to see several of my college friends, who have not changed a bit! Meeting Julianne and Annie for tea was like stepping into our college coffee shop, the Acorn, once again. I missed them, but time did not pass with us. We didn't see any shows, or spend any money (besides the one amazing meal we had), but we did spend quality time together catching up. On the last night I was in New York, I left the city and took a train to Long Island to see Ashley and her family. Oh how I love the Flanagans. Their house fills with joy and love and laughter. They are such good people. Ashley and I learned an old Bob Dylan song as a duet to sing for her parents 25th anniversary. It was so good to sing along with Ashley's buttery voice once again. The whole time in new york and Nashville was just what I needed to kick me into gear for moving to Portland.
This past 2 weeks, I have spent so much time working on my craft. I have written so much and my fingers are nice and callused from pounding on my mando. I can feel a burst of creative energy consuming my life right now. And I LOVE IT!!! It's so wonderful to be able to have this fortress to create.... speaking of fortress..... I met a really interesting musician on my way home from New York. He was sitting next to me, and then complimented me on my outfit (which I felt pretty grubby, so I was flattered) and he said I had a cool vibe. I mean....cool.....I guess haha. We began talking about our interests in music. I had seen that he had a guitar, and told him I played mandolin and sang. He was very interested in my career path, as he had chosen the same passion. He was on his way to NAMM ( National association of music merchants) and he was a producer and a songwriter. Anyway, it was interesting that we had so much in common. He was telling me about his studio name that he chose, and how it came about. He told me how he loved the tv show Smallville, which had several seasons about Superman before he became....well....super :) Superman would go to his fortress and continue to learn about his powers...until one day he became the greatest. The great Superman, as we know him. This man named his studio The Fortress, because he would work on his craft in there, and come out with greatness. I thought that was interesting, and it gave me some insight on what I am doing now. I have taken so much time to create something that I believe in. I spent months learning about myself and the beauty of this world on my ship contract, I racked up tons of life experience to relate to people with, and I have taken the time here to evaluate what is next for me. We all are capable of being the greatest. We just need to go back to our personal fortress from time to time.

New years revolution

12/31 2001 to the new year

I figured it would be the most appropriate, ringing in the new years on a ship, when I spent most of 2011 working at sea. Yesterday, I received a phone call, late at night that I would possibly be able to take my free cruise (which you are allowed to sign up for if you’ve worked for the company for so many months....I worked 11) if anyone were to drop out at the last minute. I thought to myself, why not? If they call me, why not be spontaneous and go on a cruise to Mexico? After being on a ship for 11 months though, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go near another ship for a while. Being on land has freed me.  Though I cherished my experience, I loved the life on land, and I am looking forward to making a life in Portland. However, I thought, when will be the next time I am offered a basically free cruise to Mexico? I shut out all of my thoughts, and packed my bags for yet another spontaneous life moment. 

Now, my friend Shannon (who is currently on break from pounding her books hard from grad school) and I decided we would go if they called us last minute. I ended up calling them back the day of to see if they had any last minute reservations cancelled. I mean, this was a special cruise, since it was the new years cruise. I was pretty sure no one would have wanted to cancel. But sure enough, I called, and they had a space for us. I told Shannon it was time to head on out. Thankfully, the only sure commitments I had was a dentist appointment and meeting up with good friends. I am lucky, they all understood how rare this opportunity is. 

We got to the terminal, and everything fell so smoothly. No questions asked. Everyone was super friendly, and I (for once) was a passenger on the ship. I don’t know if you would quite get how strange that feels. This meant, I have NO RULES! If I wanted to, I could walk around the Lido deck with only a bath robe on, I could wander into the swimming pool or jacuzzi, and I could make my own reservations....alright, I get that this may sound odd to some of you, but really, it’s the small things. After Shannon and I checked into our room, we went up to get some lunch, and I ran into a familiar face from the first ship I worked on. She was one of the Lido workers on the Prinsendam, and I was sure after I transfered ships, I would never see her again. I was lucky to see my friend Erza from indonesia once again. She was so happy to reunite, she reached over the counter to touch my hands :) I was filled with joy. I also saw a friend from the shops I knew on the Amsterdam and some bar staff who were familiar. So many memories flooded into my brain. 

I was a little emotional too. After spending most of my year on a ship, I started to remember all of those amazing people that touched my life so deeply, who I may not see again. Or, I may, who knows? I wandered around the stage, and felt like I was out of place....shouldn’t I be getting ready for a show? I went to the ocean bar, and expected to see a smiling face that I love so much. I half expected to run into my dear friends Ericka and Yulien on the ship while they were wandering around .

Shannon and I went to dinner at the Dining Room, and met some very interesting people already. We got to see some great entertainment too. Then, we went to the new years party and danced the night away. I am not sure what it was, but it was kind of amazing. It’s not that it was anything particularly special, but it meant alot for me to ring in the new year on a ship. I’ve really had the time of my life this past year, and I am grateful for all of it :) The year 2012 holds an exciting new adventure. I am so looking forward to writing more of my life as it comes. I am ready to take what I have learned and use it to enrich my life as well as others....will you join me in this adventure? :)

Jan 1 2012

It is indeed the year 2012. Everything that we have ever thought about 2012, may or may not be true...who knows. But we are making history, right now, in this first day of 2012. We changed our calenders, and though the gym floods with hopeful people, and others make the resolutions to be better at their life, we are left with some disappointments midway through the year. Must New Year’s always just be a novelty? Why not take the word Years.....and make it Days? Or better yet, New MOMENTS resolution. That would surely start a revolution....don’t you think? If we really lived in the moment, the way our hearts and souls truly desire? I think we are meant for great things, even bigger than we ever expected. But we have to stop living in the past, or even the future. Because the truth is, the only thing there ever is or was....is NOW.