Christmas Presence

       I feel so over-stimulated during this season of the holidays. There are so many places to go, so many people to see and so much of an unspoken nagging to spend. In most ways, this season represents the corporate showdown  of who can "out do" who and the huge pressure to keep up with all of that. But what people are truly missing is that the holidays were never meant to loom over us and haunt our checkbooks. No. They were cultivated to take time for family and loved ones and truly gaze upon the simple pleasure of our lives with great appreciation.
      Last night, after a gratifying yoga practice, I took a leisurely walk to my neighborhood food co-op. For the first time, after living here for several months, I noticed how colorful the grocery store was. There are beautiful lights and intricate artwork gracing the walls everywhere. I asked the cashier "have those colorful lamps above the produce always been there?"He kindly answered, "they've been here longer than I have even worked here...which has been a few years." I recognized even as I walked home, that I was seeing this neighborhood with new eyes. I was truly present to my surroundings. I was awakened in the moment and I want all of my life to be as such.
    What I want this year, during this energetic season, is to be graced with Christmas presence. haha I know the homonym is cheesy, but I really mean this. I am amazed at how much I can tend to miss during these precious times, when the world is called to celebrate. And even though I feel so much intensity from the overbearing consumerism we have here in America, I want to be acutely aware of my simple surroundings. I want to be awake in the moment. I want that for everyone. Presence really may be the best gift we could possibly ever receive. Merry holidays everyone.

Tuned with love

"The heart is the thousand stringed instrument that can only be tuned with love"- Hafiz

I am on week 5 of my Yoga teacher training. Let me tell ya, it's been incredibly expansive. I am so fortunate to have the opportunity to fully engage in "self"study. When you look into your own mind, you find the wonders of being.

This past weekend, we had a guest teacher from California come to talk to us about the miraculous nature of Ayurveda healing. I was amazed at her conviction and also her sincere passion for teaching. She was incredibly patient, giving space and time to each of us as we asked all of our burning questions.

She shared a wonderfully inspiring and beautiful story with us as we delved into the nature of being human. She told us all that it has been proven scientifically that in a symphony of violins, if a few of them are out of tune, the frequency of the violins that are IN tune will pull the ones OUT of tune back IN to tune. It is as if the whole orchestra has the power to influence those few out of tune violins. It can also have the opposite effect if many are out of tune.

Of course, I could feel this story reach me in a very profound way. I wondered, If I tune my self with love and continue to shine at my brightest capacity, perhaps the hearts that are OUT of tune with the flow of life will begin to be IN tune to the whole. If we all participate in this tuning of self, there will be a contagious flow of love.

Let's begin to tune ourselves very carefully, and just watch as others begin to unfold into that divine love as well.

birthday wish

I usually write a short thank you for the birthday wishes that everyone sends me on facebook as a short status. This usually suffices, and I always sincerely mean it. This year feels different for me. This year has had a different energy, and I know I am not alone on this journey. Many people from all stages of my path have been having incredible discoveries and have been seeking in ways that they can’t fully comprehend. This year, from my experience, has changed me. I am still a goofy and passionate girl, but my perspective on what matters and what doesn’t has fully switched. Some people believe it is from my moving to the Pacific North West, but I feel that this change has always been here in me, it was just waiting to awaken. 

My reason for elaborating on my birthday is that this change has made me feel dissatisfied with the celebrating of birthdays. I know it is a gift to be alive, and I honor the changing of our bodies in this world. However, the love that we give to people on their birthdays does not just have to be on that one day.

I was thinking about the simple hello, the sweet gestures, the kind smiles that exist on even the most mundane of days. There is a level of appreciation that someone gets on their “one” day. There is a level of entitlement we all seek in having this day be celebrated. And with that comes an expectation for the day, which brings about an even greater disappointment if things don’t go the way you wished on your “one” special day. What I discovered upon waking is an expectation for the day that will not be fulfilled. Not in a negative way, but in a way of contentment. 

I deeply love all of you, because I feel the oneness that is in all of us combined. The sweet letters and posts that you put on my facebook have been received and I am beyond grateful for them. I have one request though, for my birthday, I want the same love and thoughtfulness that came into your heart when you said happy birthday to me to extend out to anyone that comes into your life today. Whether it be someone you think of, someone you run into, or someone you spend every day with. It could be anyone. It could be the mail man, the convenience store worker, or even someone you have never met. I know this kindness, thoughtfulness and gratitude is available all of the time, and on days like these, when I am receiving such beautiful and sweet hellos, It gives me hope. Let’s make use out of this crazy social media that we have access too. Let’s use it to cultivate even more love and even more humanity. I am grateful for your thoughts on a day when I turn 24. But I know, more so now than ever, that our capabilities to love each other reach far beyond the recognition of someone's birthday. Happy day to all of you. 

the calling to create

One of the most valuable traits about Portland is that it flourishes with creative people. The land in itself is lush and rich which brings about a divine calling to create. I have been incredibly blessed in my surroundings here. I have been writing and contemplating more so than ever, and I look forward to creating a small EP (we won recording time) with some very talented and hearty friends of mine. I am so blessed to have resources and collaborators such as the people in my band Wildish at the moment. With an upright bass, a viola and drums, this music has become something I look forward to give to the world. Each of them have richly blessed this music with their lives and stories and it brings me such joy. This music is so much bigger than me, and even bigger than all of us. I don't feel the pressure and the potential rejection of creating alone, instead, I feel the fluidity of the passion that resides in all of us.   Recently, a jovial fiddle player/ singer moved her trailer into my back yard and began to incorporate some of her spirit into my music as well. It is wonderful to feel someone's energy and soul move through the music with me. Passion is evident and it is contagious.

I am learning so much right now about music and collaboration as well as the inner most capabilities of my mind. In the yoga teacher training I am in, I have been able to release into a sincere passion of mine of spirituality. In this training of my mind, I have begun to realize that music to me IS spirituality in form. Anything that fully engages you in your fullest way is a devotion to something greater than yourself.  I am detoxing, to say the least, from the outside in. I can feel my body getting stronger, my mind quieting and my spirit soaring. I never expected this time in Portland to be what it has been for me thus far. But I can say, with all of my heart, that I knew if I followed my gut and listened to the quiet voice inside, I would be where I needed to be. And right now, I am in Portland.

Time to rest

    I have been searching, as many of you have come to know, for something far deeper than surface level "reality". I want truth, beauty and light to be the center of my life, and in discovering that, I desire that my search may allow others to join me.
   
      I was perusing once again through media on youtube, listening to sastang....(which is a sanskrit word for a meeting in the highest truth). Often times the satsang is with a guru, and sometimes it is merely a meeting of people who desire to look past the obvious life answers. From watching all of these enlightened people talk about their views of life, I have realized that to want is an enormous gift. Wanting creates questions in us. It allows us to search deeper and really delve into our lives in what we "think" we have a lack in.
   
     For me, I have been longing to discover love. But the truth is, I do not need to search. The want that we have inside of us is a personal tool we can use to realize that what we want is not what we LACK, but what we have an ABUNDANCE of. We have an abundance of love. We have an abundance of freedom. We have an abundance of peace etc.
 
     So, what in your life are you seeking? Whether it be love, peace, freedom.... You already are there. You have never left, you have only imagined yourself leaving that goodness. As I have come to learn... thus far on this amazing journey...it's time to rest. It's time to discover that I am the source. I want what I am already.

Words

One of my friends yesterday shot me a text with the profound thought "the road to intimacy is saying more with few words".- Joni Renee

I am not a woman of few words. I know that, and many of you know that as well. I say every thought, every emotion, every passing feeling out loud. I have learned to be more cautious about who I share my heart with, for not everyone is willing or wishes to hear my truth all the time.

This thought really resonated with me. Words are so easily interpreted the wrong way. In this day and age, we text when we should talk, and talk when we should see eyes. It can always be taken according to how the person receiving the words feels at the moment.

I have come to learn some truths about words in my life thus far. They are incredible pointers, but they are just the map. And sometimes saying less and allowing yourself feel the moment is far more powerful. Our gut feelings are the best indicators on how to follow your true path. Words can only take you so far. Let intuition take you the rest of the way :)

Journey on

A dear friend of mine reminded me yesterday that it is the journey that counts....not just the destination. The journey is the most fulfilling part in this life, if you allow it to be.

She used the profound analogy of going on a vacation.

When you get ready for a vacation, you plan, you pack, you journey there, you have the vacation, go home, and then unpack. But the trip is not only the destination. It begins even with the thought and the desire to go. The entire process of the journey is what makes it so beautiful and thrilling.

I let this resonate and sit with me for a while, and I have really found this to be true. It's not the destination that matters, because even when you get to the place that you desired, you can often find  another amazing road map that leads you to yet another treasure.

I also listened to an interview by the great mandolin artist ( Chris Thile)  and he pointed towards following music because it is a wonderful journey, not because it is a goal oriented profession. It is not something that you can have a goal in, you can only be alive, alert and attentive in each new moment. That is why it is so exciting.

I am in the most wonderful city, experiencing music all of the time, and I am totally ready for whatever glorious opportunities come my way. But again, the only "goal" of mine is to live and love this insanely wonderful ride.

I guess in some ways,  I am still working on letting go of my hold on specific moments. But it is all part of the process and I am grateful for each new and surprising moment. I can only account for how I feel now. It has been proven to me that when I surrender into the journey and experience the now, life is so much fuller and richer. I don't have to try to control everything.......I just have to BE.